A Leap of Faith

For over a year, I've been a small business owner, relying on my own wits and networking to get me clients and a paycheck. This is how I got here.

After Sis was born, going back to work was hard. I had negotiated a part-time schedule. That negotiation was not easy and took a lot of commitment to my goal of more time with my children, but I got there. Even with a lighter work week, the thought of going back to my old office gave me so much anxiety during my maternity leave, that the first two weeks of being back at work included full-body hives. I eventually had to go in and get prednisone because they would not go away. And nothing was helping. Stress was determined to be the cause. I tried to calm my brain, accept that I had a great setup that others would be thrilled to have, but as an attorney, it's hard to have an actual day off. Clients have become accustomed to immediate replies, and that little ding is like a handcuff. I was constantly checking emails and responding to "urgent" matters on my days home, despite not being able to then go in late or go home early on work days to account for that time.

The attorney that was my employer and mentor is a fantastic human being, but as a manager of a mom of two young children, there was a bit of a disconnect. To this day, he loves seeing my kids and we get along great, but I was struggling with expectations on all sides and felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life. Part-time stay at home mom, part-time attorney, and wife should have all been manageable, but I drowning in a feeling of failure. On one particularly busy week with an upcoming closing, I was asked to come to work on my "off" day, which meant the kids came too. My secretary entertained my 2 year old and I had my 5 month old baby in my front pack at my computer. It was okay, but a little bit of a disaster, and my boss looked at me like I had three head, though he knew I'd be bringing them with me to get the work done. At that time, I dreamed of going out on my own and starting my own firm. That little nugget of fear and insecurity in the back of my mind held me back. What if I failed? What would people think? Am I good/smart enough? I just couldn't make the leap. I did, however, need a change.

I reached out to a woman attorney I'd seen as a mentor and who had helped me through some earlier issues as a mom in a men-owned firm. I told her how I was feeling and explained that I was in no hurry, but would love to explore an opportunity at her firm- a women owned firm made up of moms with flexible schedules. Soon after reaching out, they had an offer for me. I wasn't expecting such a quick change, but felt like it was meant to be.

At first it was just what I needed- a fresh start after 6 years in the same place felt GREAT! Not long after, however, some of the same issues were arising. I always had to be available for other people's clients, and I didn't feel like my contributions were being acknowledged or appreciated. Also, a problem with both offices was unhappy people. I am very sensitive to the moods and attitudes of others, so when a lot of my day includes complaining by other people, whether about their jobs or husbands or home life, it takes a toll on me.

My amazing, supportive, cheerleader of a husband helped me make the hardest and scariest decision of my life. In May, 2015 I quit my job. I created Mankamyer Real Estate Law and started business on June 1, 2015. Now, looking back over a year later, I am so thankful. It has not been perfect and there are definitely times where I fear that I won't get another client and I won't be able to make ends meet. then, a client comes in and everything is okay.

A few things that I would not change for anything:

1- I have complete control over my schedule. When flights go on sale, I buy tickets and take my kids to see my family in WA. We fly at weird times, I go over weekdays, and I can still help my clients from my parents' dining room. My kids are doing more activities and I can take them to them without apologizing to a boss or supervisor.
2- My clients are getting better service. I am able to really devote my time and energy to the work I'm doing because it is work that I want to be doing, and I like my clients. I do not have another level of accountability that I have to keep track of or keep happy. I can focus on my clients in a way I wasn't able to do with a boss. This sounds strange, but having a superior was taking a toll on my sanity because I am a hyper-sensitive worrier!
3- I am more fulfilled in the work I'm doing because every job directly impacts my bottom line. If I have a crazy busy month, I see it in my financial returns. If I have a slow month and take the kids to travel, or we need to decompress a bit, I can accept that I will make less money and not need to worry about anyone other than my family.
4- I am accountable for my work and my clients. There are sometimes hard conversations about billing or problems that in a firm environment, I would have happily handed to a supervisor, or asked them to give me the right answer of what to do. Instead, I now have to deal with issues head on. This is not always fun and sometimes I really hate it, but it is making me better at my job, improving some practices as I learn from these experiences and I'm growing from this process.

That being said, nothing is perfect. I still have the issues of being part-time everything with the expectation of full-time attention and response. I have days where I have lead in my chest because I feel like 'm failing at every single aspect of my life. Each time that happens, I can at least take a deep breath and remind myself that I am in control and can examine and adjust what needs attention. My children matter the most and there is never going to be a perfect solution, but this is what is working for all of us right now and I could not be more thankful for this freedom.

Ultimately, I am sharing this experience with you because I hope that each person can find the strength, support and path to follow their dreams. Ten years ago, I never would have thought that this was going to be my dream job, but I'm so thankful I was able to go deep and see this opportunity for what it was and take it. If you are unhappy in your job/career/marriage/situation, staying put is never going to fix it. Making changes within the situation to improve it can make a huge difference. Knowing yourself well enough to evaluate what is making you unhappy and figuring out what to change is a never-ending process, but will serve you well in every aspect of your life!

Never give up, dreamers.

New Places, New Faces

I have discussed Loop's childcare on here before, but really only in how I chose his Montessori. Over the last six months, I was getting more and more frustrating with the facility, its management and some of the caregivers.

I am not a shy person. As soon as the problems started, I voiced my concerns. I had more than a few emails, phone calls and meetings about my concerns. Some of those concerns included trivial things like losing bottles (which does irritate me, as those things aren't free) and not leaving detailed notes about the day, to more serious concerns including caregiver lying to my on multiple occasions, the significant cost of care, and lack of confidence in the quality of care being provided for my child. Loop's room had two caregivers for up to 10 children (the state maximum and standard, but usually it was 6-8 kids). Since starting at this school in March, there has been one caregiver that has been constant with more than six different caregivers rotating through the room. Loop is pretty flexible and easy going, but that many people gets overwhelming. You finally get used to one person, then they are gone and there is a whole new person with a different personality and different methods to adjust to. I was getting fed up. The people I liked would leave, and the ones I didn't would stay around and just return every time a good one left. I was at my wits' end.

In June, I began casually looking at other options, including a daycare that my co-worker's kids attended, but that only provided care to one year olds and older. I got on the waiting list. I also started investigated nanny shares, in home care, and other options. For us, I really like the oversight and socialization in a daycare environment. I get nervous about a nanny not actually doing what they are supposed to when there is no one else there to look over their shoulder. I like that daycares are regulated and inspected by the state and have certain requirements that must be met at all times for care. Few home caregivers are licensed (I understand that the process is a pain, expensive, and really time consuming), which makes me nervous.

I had some good weeks that made me think twice about the stress of a move, but after several bad weeks, I resolved to move Loop as soon as we could. On November 30, we got a spot in the new daycare. Now that a spot was available, I had real reservations about moving Loop. What if he doesn't adjust well? What if we don't like the new place? What if I don't get along with the parents as well as at the current place? What if...? Ultimately, I realized that we had to try. I was getting the point of crying weekly over my frustrations and wasn't feeling good about the care Loop was getting. It is not easy leaving your child at daycare, but it's sooooo much harder if you have any bad feelings. I cried saying goodbye to the caregivers that truly love Loop. I cried telling them we were leaving. Now that the decision has been made, however, I am so glad that the "what ifs" didn't hold me back. If it doesn't work, we will re-evaluate but we needed to make a change.

Loop started there beginning in the new year and so far so good! We really appreciate the cost savings, as the tuition is $300 less per month, they provide all meals (we had to pack ALL food at Loop's old place) and they even provide wipes and launder the sheets. We just have to bring diapers. Though food and wipes aren't going to bankrupt us, it is one less thing to buy and have to pack each day. So far I have really appreciated the responsiveness of the staff at Loop's new daycare and I think this will be good.

Moral of the story: change is hard, but can be great. You just need to be willing to take the leap. Almost nothing is permanent. If we aren't happy, we will try again, but we'll never know if we don't give it a chance.

Low Motivation Momma

In the early stages of being pregnant, I was easily distracted at work because I was excited and had a million questions that would pop up all day long. In a typical day, I spent as much time looking things up as I did working. During the second trimester, it got a little better and it was easier to focus on work and stay motivated. The last few weeks have reverted back to easy distraction and researching with an extra dose of low motivation. When I have enough work to keep me busy, I can manage to stay focused and get it done, but during lulls, there is no hope.

I am currently in such a lull, but most days have involved bouts of nothing to do then rushed, frantic work intermittently interrupting the nothing. I never enjoy being bored at work, but my hormones are making this extra challenging. The hormones aren't so bad during slow times (except when I think that it is a good idea to read stories online and end up crying), but when I am being thrown these crazy rushed, high stress and high pressure projects, I find myself more anxious than usual and have the added worry of breaking into tears. The other day, I was exchanging emails with my boss. Usually, I would just walk into his office to discuss it, but I was intentionally not doing so, as I would normally do, because I was sure I would start balling. I do not imagine that this would go over well.

During a typical day, I find myself daydreaming a lot  and going over baby check-lists in my head or looking up baby-related articles and random questions that come up as I'm day dreaming or making check-lists. I'd like to think this is just a little phase, but I'm guessing this will be how this final phase is going to go. Definitely won't be setting any records with my billable hours for the year. It's times like these that I am so thankful that my job is not dependant on those billables!