A Leap of Faith

For over a year, I've been a small business owner, relying on my own wits and networking to get me clients and a paycheck. This is how I got here.

After Sis was born, going back to work was hard. I had negotiated a part-time schedule. That negotiation was not easy and took a lot of commitment to my goal of more time with my children, but I got there. Even with a lighter work week, the thought of going back to my old office gave me so much anxiety during my maternity leave, that the first two weeks of being back at work included full-body hives. I eventually had to go in and get prednisone because they would not go away. And nothing was helping. Stress was determined to be the cause. I tried to calm my brain, accept that I had a great setup that others would be thrilled to have, but as an attorney, it's hard to have an actual day off. Clients have become accustomed to immediate replies, and that little ding is like a handcuff. I was constantly checking emails and responding to "urgent" matters on my days home, despite not being able to then go in late or go home early on work days to account for that time.

The attorney that was my employer and mentor is a fantastic human being, but as a manager of a mom of two young children, there was a bit of a disconnect. To this day, he loves seeing my kids and we get along great, but I was struggling with expectations on all sides and felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life. Part-time stay at home mom, part-time attorney, and wife should have all been manageable, but I drowning in a feeling of failure. On one particularly busy week with an upcoming closing, I was asked to come to work on my "off" day, which meant the kids came too. My secretary entertained my 2 year old and I had my 5 month old baby in my front pack at my computer. It was okay, but a little bit of a disaster, and my boss looked at me like I had three head, though he knew I'd be bringing them with me to get the work done. At that time, I dreamed of going out on my own and starting my own firm. That little nugget of fear and insecurity in the back of my mind held me back. What if I failed? What would people think? Am I good/smart enough? I just couldn't make the leap. I did, however, need a change.

I reached out to a woman attorney I'd seen as a mentor and who had helped me through some earlier issues as a mom in a men-owned firm. I told her how I was feeling and explained that I was in no hurry, but would love to explore an opportunity at her firm- a women owned firm made up of moms with flexible schedules. Soon after reaching out, they had an offer for me. I wasn't expecting such a quick change, but felt like it was meant to be.

At first it was just what I needed- a fresh start after 6 years in the same place felt GREAT! Not long after, however, some of the same issues were arising. I always had to be available for other people's clients, and I didn't feel like my contributions were being acknowledged or appreciated. Also, a problem with both offices was unhappy people. I am very sensitive to the moods and attitudes of others, so when a lot of my day includes complaining by other people, whether about their jobs or husbands or home life, it takes a toll on me.

My amazing, supportive, cheerleader of a husband helped me make the hardest and scariest decision of my life. In May, 2015 I quit my job. I created Mankamyer Real Estate Law and started business on June 1, 2015. Now, looking back over a year later, I am so thankful. It has not been perfect and there are definitely times where I fear that I won't get another client and I won't be able to make ends meet. then, a client comes in and everything is okay.

A few things that I would not change for anything:

1- I have complete control over my schedule. When flights go on sale, I buy tickets and take my kids to see my family in WA. We fly at weird times, I go over weekdays, and I can still help my clients from my parents' dining room. My kids are doing more activities and I can take them to them without apologizing to a boss or supervisor.
2- My clients are getting better service. I am able to really devote my time and energy to the work I'm doing because it is work that I want to be doing, and I like my clients. I do not have another level of accountability that I have to keep track of or keep happy. I can focus on my clients in a way I wasn't able to do with a boss. This sounds strange, but having a superior was taking a toll on my sanity because I am a hyper-sensitive worrier!
3- I am more fulfilled in the work I'm doing because every job directly impacts my bottom line. If I have a crazy busy month, I see it in my financial returns. If I have a slow month and take the kids to travel, or we need to decompress a bit, I can accept that I will make less money and not need to worry about anyone other than my family.
4- I am accountable for my work and my clients. There are sometimes hard conversations about billing or problems that in a firm environment, I would have happily handed to a supervisor, or asked them to give me the right answer of what to do. Instead, I now have to deal with issues head on. This is not always fun and sometimes I really hate it, but it is making me better at my job, improving some practices as I learn from these experiences and I'm growing from this process.

That being said, nothing is perfect. I still have the issues of being part-time everything with the expectation of full-time attention and response. I have days where I have lead in my chest because I feel like 'm failing at every single aspect of my life. Each time that happens, I can at least take a deep breath and remind myself that I am in control and can examine and adjust what needs attention. My children matter the most and there is never going to be a perfect solution, but this is what is working for all of us right now and I could not be more thankful for this freedom.

Ultimately, I am sharing this experience with you because I hope that each person can find the strength, support and path to follow their dreams. Ten years ago, I never would have thought that this was going to be my dream job, but I'm so thankful I was able to go deep and see this opportunity for what it was and take it. If you are unhappy in your job/career/marriage/situation, staying put is never going to fix it. Making changes within the situation to improve it can make a huge difference. Knowing yourself well enough to evaluate what is making you unhappy and figuring out what to change is a never-ending process, but will serve you well in every aspect of your life!

Never give up, dreamers.

New Places, New Faces

I have discussed Loop's childcare on here before, but really only in how I chose his Montessori. Over the last six months, I was getting more and more frustrating with the facility, its management and some of the caregivers.

I am not a shy person. As soon as the problems started, I voiced my concerns. I had more than a few emails, phone calls and meetings about my concerns. Some of those concerns included trivial things like losing bottles (which does irritate me, as those things aren't free) and not leaving detailed notes about the day, to more serious concerns including caregiver lying to my on multiple occasions, the significant cost of care, and lack of confidence in the quality of care being provided for my child. Loop's room had two caregivers for up to 10 children (the state maximum and standard, but usually it was 6-8 kids). Since starting at this school in March, there has been one caregiver that has been constant with more than six different caregivers rotating through the room. Loop is pretty flexible and easy going, but that many people gets overwhelming. You finally get used to one person, then they are gone and there is a whole new person with a different personality and different methods to adjust to. I was getting fed up. The people I liked would leave, and the ones I didn't would stay around and just return every time a good one left. I was at my wits' end.

In June, I began casually looking at other options, including a daycare that my co-worker's kids attended, but that only provided care to one year olds and older. I got on the waiting list. I also started investigated nanny shares, in home care, and other options. For us, I really like the oversight and socialization in a daycare environment. I get nervous about a nanny not actually doing what they are supposed to when there is no one else there to look over their shoulder. I like that daycares are regulated and inspected by the state and have certain requirements that must be met at all times for care. Few home caregivers are licensed (I understand that the process is a pain, expensive, and really time consuming), which makes me nervous.

I had some good weeks that made me think twice about the stress of a move, but after several bad weeks, I resolved to move Loop as soon as we could. On November 30, we got a spot in the new daycare. Now that a spot was available, I had real reservations about moving Loop. What if he doesn't adjust well? What if we don't like the new place? What if I don't get along with the parents as well as at the current place? What if...? Ultimately, I realized that we had to try. I was getting the point of crying weekly over my frustrations and wasn't feeling good about the care Loop was getting. It is not easy leaving your child at daycare, but it's sooooo much harder if you have any bad feelings. I cried saying goodbye to the caregivers that truly love Loop. I cried telling them we were leaving. Now that the decision has been made, however, I am so glad that the "what ifs" didn't hold me back. If it doesn't work, we will re-evaluate but we needed to make a change.

Loop started there beginning in the new year and so far so good! We really appreciate the cost savings, as the tuition is $300 less per month, they provide all meals (we had to pack ALL food at Loop's old place) and they even provide wipes and launder the sheets. We just have to bring diapers. Though food and wipes aren't going to bankrupt us, it is one less thing to buy and have to pack each day. So far I have really appreciated the responsiveness of the staff at Loop's new daycare and I think this will be good.

Moral of the story: change is hard, but can be great. You just need to be willing to take the leap. Almost nothing is permanent. If we aren't happy, we will try again, but we'll never know if we don't give it a chance.

Some People...

I have let myself get hurt by a complete stranger having a conversation that I was not a part of. I wish people would think about how what comes out of their mouths may impact a person standing 4 feet away from them that is forced to listen to it. At my gym there is an area with mirrors and counters for drying your hair and doing your make up. At any given time there are 2 to 12 people in there getting ready. It is small and you can easily hear everything everyone is saying. Two women getting ready together were having a conversation about a "friend" in med school with a baby. I add the quotes because I would hope that none of my friend would say this about me- one of the girls said, about her friend's decision to continue with med school and become a doctor, "Why even have a kid if you don't want to spend time with it." Neither woman in this conversation has children. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The comment caught me off guard and it did not hit me until I was in the car how hurtful it really was to me and all working moms. I love my son more than anything. My "choice" to go back to work was not even in the slightest bit related to my desire or a lack of desire to spend time with him. To even think that was a factor is a joke.  I want to spend time with my son. I do spend time with my son and I treasure every second. However, I spent seven years in school to become an attorney. I have student debt in an amount that rivals most mortgages. Unfortunately, I don't get to write a letter to Direct Loans and Sallie Mae that says, "Great News! I had a baby. Therefore, I will no longer be making payments, and I will look forward to a notice of forgiveness of my debts." I still have to pay them off. Also, I want to keep a roof over Loop's head, have good, healthy food for him to eat, and hopefully be able to give him the opportunities that I had in life and maybe even be able to help him get a graduate degree someday (if he wants one) so that he won't have the kind of student loans that his parents have. I can't do that if I am not working. These two women are working out at a nice gym with high fees. One of these women (I know this from attending a free training session with her last year) was able to quit her job and spend an entire year "figuring things out" while also going to this expensive gym PLUS going to a personal trainer at least twice a week. From my perspective, her economic reality is different from most people I know. So, maybe to her, staying home would be a given. Unfortunately, for me it is not. Also, I am okay with working. I will get to that later.

Later in this lovely conversation, one of the women said, "Well, maybe I will feel different when I have kids and I won't be able to stand being at home." Nope. That's not it either. I am not working because I can't stand being at home. To assume that women are working because being home is awful for them is another terrible, incorrect assumption. Right now I am part-time and I cherish my mornings with Loop. I enjoy our time together and it is wonderful. However, I do also enjoy my time at work. Going back to work helped me to realize that I am, right now, a better mother as a working mother. I go to my office, accomplish work stuff, feel good about it, and get to end my day with picking up my happy, smiling baby. I do no resent my son in any way, shape or form.  I am more appreciative of my time with Loop because of my job, and I think that I am doing a better job of making our time "quality" time and really making the most of it. I don't know that I was fully doing that when I was home full-time. I realize that this is going to get tougher once I am back to work full-time, but I still am fully confident that I will have good, quality time with my son and I will still be a good mom even though I will spend much of the day at my desk while he is at "school." He is literally two minutes away from me in a safe, clean place with skilled caregivers and other happy babies. He is getting socialized with other people and children, is getting age appropriate education, and I know that he is okay. My mom worked almost all of my childhood and I do not think that my brother and I were damaged. I know how much she loves us and I have never doubted that. My mom was always there for me, even if sometimes work interfered with scheduling. She was there emotionally all the time which, to me, is as important, if not more important than being there physically. I never felt like I came second to her job. I hope that I can balance it all just as she did, but I know from personal experience that a mom can work and love her kids.

What really is bothering me about this whole thing is that there is not one perfect solution that works for every family. Each person is different, just like every situation is different. I know people that stay home, are great moms with great kids, and they have a wonderful life. I also know people that work, are great moms with great kids, and they too have a wonderful life. There are a million different factors, scenarios and solutions. As my dad always says, different strokes for different folks. Even if these women had kids, I don't think it is ever fair to judge someone else's family choices because you can never know all of the pieces of their particular puzzle.

In conclusion, for you non-moms out there, please don't ever be confused and think that a working mom is someone that doesn't want to be around her kids. And, even if you do think that, try to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in public. You never know if there is a new working mom nearby whose day may be ruined by your judgmental comment.