A Leap of Faith

For over a year, I've been a small business owner, relying on my own wits and networking to get me clients and a paycheck. This is how I got here.

After Sis was born, going back to work was hard. I had negotiated a part-time schedule. That negotiation was not easy and took a lot of commitment to my goal of more time with my children, but I got there. Even with a lighter work week, the thought of going back to my old office gave me so much anxiety during my maternity leave, that the first two weeks of being back at work included full-body hives. I eventually had to go in and get prednisone because they would not go away. And nothing was helping. Stress was determined to be the cause. I tried to calm my brain, accept that I had a great setup that others would be thrilled to have, but as an attorney, it's hard to have an actual day off. Clients have become accustomed to immediate replies, and that little ding is like a handcuff. I was constantly checking emails and responding to "urgent" matters on my days home, despite not being able to then go in late or go home early on work days to account for that time.

The attorney that was my employer and mentor is a fantastic human being, but as a manager of a mom of two young children, there was a bit of a disconnect. To this day, he loves seeing my kids and we get along great, but I was struggling with expectations on all sides and felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life. Part-time stay at home mom, part-time attorney, and wife should have all been manageable, but I drowning in a feeling of failure. On one particularly busy week with an upcoming closing, I was asked to come to work on my "off" day, which meant the kids came too. My secretary entertained my 2 year old and I had my 5 month old baby in my front pack at my computer. It was okay, but a little bit of a disaster, and my boss looked at me like I had three head, though he knew I'd be bringing them with me to get the work done. At that time, I dreamed of going out on my own and starting my own firm. That little nugget of fear and insecurity in the back of my mind held me back. What if I failed? What would people think? Am I good/smart enough? I just couldn't make the leap. I did, however, need a change.

I reached out to a woman attorney I'd seen as a mentor and who had helped me through some earlier issues as a mom in a men-owned firm. I told her how I was feeling and explained that I was in no hurry, but would love to explore an opportunity at her firm- a women owned firm made up of moms with flexible schedules. Soon after reaching out, they had an offer for me. I wasn't expecting such a quick change, but felt like it was meant to be.

At first it was just what I needed- a fresh start after 6 years in the same place felt GREAT! Not long after, however, some of the same issues were arising. I always had to be available for other people's clients, and I didn't feel like my contributions were being acknowledged or appreciated. Also, a problem with both offices was unhappy people. I am very sensitive to the moods and attitudes of others, so when a lot of my day includes complaining by other people, whether about their jobs or husbands or home life, it takes a toll on me.

My amazing, supportive, cheerleader of a husband helped me make the hardest and scariest decision of my life. In May, 2015 I quit my job. I created Mankamyer Real Estate Law and started business on June 1, 2015. Now, looking back over a year later, I am so thankful. It has not been perfect and there are definitely times where I fear that I won't get another client and I won't be able to make ends meet. then, a client comes in and everything is okay.

A few things that I would not change for anything:

1- I have complete control over my schedule. When flights go on sale, I buy tickets and take my kids to see my family in WA. We fly at weird times, I go over weekdays, and I can still help my clients from my parents' dining room. My kids are doing more activities and I can take them to them without apologizing to a boss or supervisor.
2- My clients are getting better service. I am able to really devote my time and energy to the work I'm doing because it is work that I want to be doing, and I like my clients. I do not have another level of accountability that I have to keep track of or keep happy. I can focus on my clients in a way I wasn't able to do with a boss. This sounds strange, but having a superior was taking a toll on my sanity because I am a hyper-sensitive worrier!
3- I am more fulfilled in the work I'm doing because every job directly impacts my bottom line. If I have a crazy busy month, I see it in my financial returns. If I have a slow month and take the kids to travel, or we need to decompress a bit, I can accept that I will make less money and not need to worry about anyone other than my family.
4- I am accountable for my work and my clients. There are sometimes hard conversations about billing or problems that in a firm environment, I would have happily handed to a supervisor, or asked them to give me the right answer of what to do. Instead, I now have to deal with issues head on. This is not always fun and sometimes I really hate it, but it is making me better at my job, improving some practices as I learn from these experiences and I'm growing from this process.

That being said, nothing is perfect. I still have the issues of being part-time everything with the expectation of full-time attention and response. I have days where I have lead in my chest because I feel like 'm failing at every single aspect of my life. Each time that happens, I can at least take a deep breath and remind myself that I am in control and can examine and adjust what needs attention. My children matter the most and there is never going to be a perfect solution, but this is what is working for all of us right now and I could not be more thankful for this freedom.

Ultimately, I am sharing this experience with you because I hope that each person can find the strength, support and path to follow their dreams. Ten years ago, I never would have thought that this was going to be my dream job, but I'm so thankful I was able to go deep and see this opportunity for what it was and take it. If you are unhappy in your job/career/marriage/situation, staying put is never going to fix it. Making changes within the situation to improve it can make a huge difference. Knowing yourself well enough to evaluate what is making you unhappy and figuring out what to change is a never-ending process, but will serve you well in every aspect of your life!

Never give up, dreamers.

Sis's Journey

This is a long one.

On July 27, 2013, we found out that I was pregnant again! We spent the morning at the zoo, then in the afternoon went to visit our horse, then stopped at Lowe's to look at some kitchen appliances.

While shopping, I was famished and told Jay I was starving. He immediately said, 'Are you pregnant?' Given that we'd only been trying for a month, the thought really hadn't even entered my mind. My husband, however, clearly remembered 'bear mode' from my pregnancy with Loop- I would hit points of suddenly being famished and would be a nightmare for everyone until I ate. Bear mode. We went through a drive through on the way home for some fries and picked up a pregnancy test. I didn't even follow all the instructions of waiting until morning, etc. I just took the test. Yep, pregnant! I took another one the next day just to be sure, but it was positive too. We were elated. We also immediately started talking about baby as though it was a girl, though it would be many weeks before that was confirmed.

At our 12 week appointment, the ultrasound tech said she has a 95% accuracy rate of identifying the gender. So, we asked her for her guess. Girl. She said, 'Don't go buying anything. We will confirm at your next appointment, but I'm pretty sure it's a girl.' We didn't completely follow her advice- we went and bought a stuffed pink bunny and just knew it was a girl. That was confirmed at my 14week ultrasound.

At that time, we also discussed with my doctor whether I would need to go back to the high risk doctors due to my possible cervical incompetence, which you can read more about here. My doctor didn't think it was necessary, as everything looked good. I, however, said that I did not mind and would rather be safe than sorry. Accordingly, she referred me over and I had my first ultrasound over there at 18 weeks.

At 18 weeks my cervix was a tiny bit shorter.  The doctor wasn't overly concerned, but decided that I should come back in one week rather than two just to be safe. I went on that week, business as usual. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. No pain. Nothing that alarmed me.

On November 12, we went in for another ultrasound. Because of the concern the week before, I brought Jay. I was a little nervous and thought maybe they would tell us that I needed to schedule a cerclage to stitch my cervix and keep it from getting shorter.  The moment the ultrasound began, the tech looked concerned and rushed out of the room. The doctor came in immediately and did the ultrasound. What she said didn't make sense at first. "Your cervix is down to nothing," she said. I didn't understand. I was in shock. She asked what kind of car we had. What? Why? She said that we needed to go to the hospital immediately and wanted to make sure that I could lie down the entire way. If I could not do it in our car, she was calling an ambulance. I lost control a bit at that moment. She checked me and I was dilated 5cm and effaced. That is what you hear when you are in full on labor. I was at 19 weeks. My baby girl was not even close to viable. She was the size of a tomato or a mango. I was feeling her move and kick and flip. This could not be happening. The doctor did an emergency amnio to confirm whether that was any infection. If there was an infection, they would induce me and we would lose our little girl. If there was no infection, they would do an emergency cerclage and pray.

I was hysterical. Inconsolable. How could this be happening?  They wheeled me down to our car and Jay drove us to the hospital as fast as he could. Meanwhile, he also made the calls that I couldn't. He called my mom and my boss. I cried the entire way. The doctor we met at the hospital was wonderful. She was upbeat, cheerful even and in a time of pure fear and desperation made me feel like this was going to be okay. The amnio came back clean, so we had the go ahead for surgery to put in a cerclage. Unfortunately, we'd stopped for lunch before going to the doctor, so I had to wait until the evening before anesthesiology would okay the procedure. We waited. And waited. And worried. And waited. At shift change, a new doctor introduced herself and told us our anticipated surgery time. Jay then ran out to pick up Loop, get him home and meet his sister who would stay with him so that Jay could be at the hospital.

After Jay left, the doctor came back. She told me the really bad, scary odds of how this would turn out. This type of cerclage, called a "rescue cerclage" usually gave moms about 4 weeks. That would put Sis at 23 weeks. Maybe viable, probably not. The procedure had a high likelihood of breaking my water. If that happens, baby is induced and we lose her. Any hope that Happy Doctor had instilled was now dashed. I clutched my little belly and cried. Pessimist Doctor asked me the question that I never considered. "Do you want to terminate." I looked at her, I looked at my nurse sitting quietly beside me, and I looked down at my little belly. Baby Sis was moving. She was alive and I loved her. I said no. I didn't need to ask Jay. I didn't need to think about it. This little girl wanted me to know that she was a fighter and I was going to give her any chance I could. Even if it failed. Even if we lost her. I couldn't just give up. I am still bothered by this conversation. I don't know if she purposely waited for Jay to leave. Maybe she did this a courtesy. Maybe some people want this option but are too afraid to ask. Maybe she wants to be sure that a mom isn't pressured by her husband or anyone else. To say the least, it was extremely upsetting and led to a tear filled call to my mom, and an angry husband when he returned to find his wife in shambles.

I got it together and around 9:00pm we went in for surgery. I'll leave out the details, but everything went as well as it could have. My water did not break. I did not go into labor. The nurse practitioner could see Baby Sis's foot during the procedure. I still can't believe that. Two stitches were places to secure my cervix and they were able to close it.

Long story short, I spent a week in the hospital laying in bed away from Loop.  

Loop brought me flowers when he came to visit at the hospital

Some treasured snuggles with my boy in my hospital bed.

I spent another two weeks on bed rest, another two or three weeks on modified bed rest and then was cleared for normal life again once we were well into the third trimester. Those stitches stayed put! We are still so incredibly grateful that, despite her conversation with me, Pessimistic Doctor did her job and did it well. She saved Sis. 

Loop giving Sis some love at 34 weeks

On Friday, March 14, the cerclage was removed. We had reached 37 weeks and Sis was cleared for arrival.

On Wednesday, March 19, I went in for a normal check up, found out I was 5cm dilated and 80% effaced! A short seven hours and easy (and I mean EASY) delivery later, we met our sweet baby girl!

 At 6 pounds, 15 ounces and 19.5 inches long, Sis was perfect, healthy and doing great. Though she was early, everything was perfect and we took her home two days later, thankful for our little miracle and glad to be a success story that can be told to the next mom arriving in tears, scared to death. 

 

My beautiful baby girl!

Summer 2013

I doubt anyone is still reading this, given that I've so thoroughly neglected it, but I will continue to write, even if it is just for me...

I left out an important detail of our life in my last post. Well, really two important details that coincide a little bit. 

On June 9, 2013 a car crashed into Loop's bedroom.

Yes, we were home. Yes, Loop was in his room. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and I will never fully get over it.

Thankfully, all that could have gone horrifically wrong did not.

Loop stayed safely in his crib, though it was hit by his changing table, which was hit by the car. Had we been changing his diaper or rocking him to sleep, this story could have been very different. The driver was not injured or killed. Though I still hold a lot of anger toward this man and would like a sincere apology, I am thankful that my house did not kill him. The next few days were a wake-up call. A freak accident nearly turned our world inside out. A stupid mistake could have taken my baby away and there was nothing I could do about it.

















Besides a near mental break on my part, a few weeks living out of hotels, and a lot of hassles, everything was okay and we all came out of it unscathed. We quickly had a realization that life is not a promise, we can't control everything, and sometimes you just have to take a chance. This led to our decision to try for Baby #2. We'd been discussing when it would be right, what we wanted to accomplish first, etc., but on June 10 decided that we needed to just give it a chance and hope that everything would be okay. I didn't want to wait and miss an opportunity at another amazing gift.

Hence, our second big detail left out of my prior post- I found out that I was pregnant on July 27.

Though a bit shocked at how quickly that happened (it took over 8 months to conceive Loop), we were ecstatic and both thought immediately that this time it was a girl. Our ultrasound tech guessed 'girl' at our 12 week appointment, and her guess was confirmed at our 16 week visit- we were expecting a GIRL! We were thrilled and couldn't wait to meet Jack's baby sister. I will share more details about my pregnancy in my next post, as it was a bit more of a roller coaster than Loop's!

Twenty Months of Fun!

Today Loop is twenty months old- a short four months away from his SECOND BIRTHDAY! I can't believe it! This has been the most wonderful, exciting, challenging, hilarious, and fun adventure and here we are- almost two years in! Here are some more updated camera pics of the Looper in action!

 Pony rides at the end of year party at day care! This was "Jester."

Books can be read anywhere!

"Cheese!"

Cool guy...

He won't touch blueberries from the store- fresh picked ONLY!

Catch?

Apparently, riding the dog like a small pony is not frowned upon in this establishment!

 On our horse, Dakota, for the first time!

We have so much fun every single day with this kid. Right now he can't stop talking. It is non-stop and I love it. I can only understand about 30%, but it is so cute to hear him just rambling on, completely certain in whatever it is that he is saying. He has also learned how to get my attention and yells "Mon" (yes- it is Mon, not Mom) at me. He can be in the other room, or 6 inches from my face, but if he thinks he needs my attention, it is "Mon" as forceful and loud and possible. It's really adorable and sometime a tiny bit obnoxious when it's fourteen times in a row.

Speed is key right now- walking is no fun, and running is no fun unless in circles. The most popular game right now is when Thomas (our littlest dog) is sitting or lying in the family room. Loop then runs circles around him as fast as he can for as long as he can before falling over, and then starts all over! Thomas plays along pretty well considering how many falls land on him. Loop knows all he animals names and is happy to point them out and identify them often. "Mon! It's Morrison!" So far he can't really command them to do anything, but I am sure he'll have that down soon too.

I can't describe how much I love this kid!

Thankful.

I have a wonderful, funny, goofy kid, who, despite a constant snot faucet of a nose, is absolutely perfect and healthy. I have an amazing husband that is the greatest father and supports us in so many ways.

In the every day hustle and bustle, worrying about the to dos of today, the bills to pay, the places to be, it is easy to get hung up on the small stuff. And sometimes the big stuff of other people. I have had many children to pray for lately with devastating conditions. Genetic abnormalities that result in a short life in a hospital; inoperable and fatal cancer in an otherwise perfect four year old. These things are too horrible. Too sad. Too painful. I easily get caught up in the empathy, in the what ifs.

Instead, today, I am saying "thank you." No small stuff or big stuff can take away from the fact that I am so blessed beyond comprehension. My perfect little boy is the light of my life. I am so glad that in just about an hour, I will get to see him run up to me to give me a hug and a kiss before we go home to play, eat dinner and read stories. I will get to talk with my husband about our day and our week, and work on the small stuff. I love my life and I am so very thankful.

Happy First Birthday!

My sweet baby is suddenly a little boy. I don't know when the transition happened. I guess it was gradual, but it doesn't feel that way. It's like I woke up one day and suddenly the Loop is a kid rather than a baby! He does still refer to himself as "baby" though. Loop started walking (officially walking- taking multiple steps confidently in a row) on November 11th. Since then he has just picked it up like it was nothing and is now running and can negotiate dips, steps, and stepping over things in his path. He still has trouble with slopes, but we're working on it.

 Happy birthday boy!

Loop's birthday was wonderful. My family was staying with us and he got spoiled rotten, then there was the PARTY! He is one popular kid. So many people came to celebrate the big day with us. Mommy may have gone a little overboard on the decorating, but it was so much fun getting ready to celebrate one year with our boy. It was wonderful to have family and friends there to see Loop- he was so happy. For his birthday from my family, Loop got a cool big boy chair. When his friends arrived for the party, Loop shared the chair with his friends and they enjoyed climbing all over it! The cake smash wasn't very successful- Loop has a funny texture thing and hates sticky things on his fingers. I think the frosting was too sticky for him. Had I fed the cake to him by spoon, I am pretty sure he would have eaten the entire thing, but on his own he was not having it. His very favorite part of his birthday was the BALLOONS! He loved hitting them, throwing them, carrying them, laying on them and staring at them. Thankfully he didn't pop any so he was never afraid of them.

Spoiled rotten!!

Loop's birthday party was so much fun, I can't wait for many more to come. It will be really fun whn he wants to pick the theme and invite his friends. I want him to always know how much we love him, how special he is, and how important his birthday is because it is commemorating the day we met him and the start of our wonderful journey with him!

New Places, New Faces

I have discussed Loop's childcare on here before, but really only in how I chose his Montessori. Over the last six months, I was getting more and more frustrating with the facility, its management and some of the caregivers.

I am not a shy person. As soon as the problems started, I voiced my concerns. I had more than a few emails, phone calls and meetings about my concerns. Some of those concerns included trivial things like losing bottles (which does irritate me, as those things aren't free) and not leaving detailed notes about the day, to more serious concerns including caregiver lying to my on multiple occasions, the significant cost of care, and lack of confidence in the quality of care being provided for my child. Loop's room had two caregivers for up to 10 children (the state maximum and standard, but usually it was 6-8 kids). Since starting at this school in March, there has been one caregiver that has been constant with more than six different caregivers rotating through the room. Loop is pretty flexible and easy going, but that many people gets overwhelming. You finally get used to one person, then they are gone and there is a whole new person with a different personality and different methods to adjust to. I was getting fed up. The people I liked would leave, and the ones I didn't would stay around and just return every time a good one left. I was at my wits' end.

In June, I began casually looking at other options, including a daycare that my co-worker's kids attended, but that only provided care to one year olds and older. I got on the waiting list. I also started investigated nanny shares, in home care, and other options. For us, I really like the oversight and socialization in a daycare environment. I get nervous about a nanny not actually doing what they are supposed to when there is no one else there to look over their shoulder. I like that daycares are regulated and inspected by the state and have certain requirements that must be met at all times for care. Few home caregivers are licensed (I understand that the process is a pain, expensive, and really time consuming), which makes me nervous.

I had some good weeks that made me think twice about the stress of a move, but after several bad weeks, I resolved to move Loop as soon as we could. On November 30, we got a spot in the new daycare. Now that a spot was available, I had real reservations about moving Loop. What if he doesn't adjust well? What if we don't like the new place? What if I don't get along with the parents as well as at the current place? What if...? Ultimately, I realized that we had to try. I was getting the point of crying weekly over my frustrations and wasn't feeling good about the care Loop was getting. It is not easy leaving your child at daycare, but it's sooooo much harder if you have any bad feelings. I cried saying goodbye to the caregivers that truly love Loop. I cried telling them we were leaving. Now that the decision has been made, however, I am so glad that the "what ifs" didn't hold me back. If it doesn't work, we will re-evaluate but we needed to make a change.

Loop started there beginning in the new year and so far so good! We really appreciate the cost savings, as the tuition is $300 less per month, they provide all meals (we had to pack ALL food at Loop's old place) and they even provide wipes and launder the sheets. We just have to bring diapers. Though food and wipes aren't going to bankrupt us, it is one less thing to buy and have to pack each day. So far I have really appreciated the responsiveness of the staff at Loop's new daycare and I think this will be good.

Moral of the story: change is hard, but can be great. You just need to be willing to take the leap. Almost nothing is permanent. If we aren't happy, we will try again, but we'll never know if we don't give it a chance.