A Leap of Faith

For over a year, I've been a small business owner, relying on my own wits and networking to get me clients and a paycheck. This is how I got here.

After Sis was born, going back to work was hard. I had negotiated a part-time schedule. That negotiation was not easy and took a lot of commitment to my goal of more time with my children, but I got there. Even with a lighter work week, the thought of going back to my old office gave me so much anxiety during my maternity leave, that the first two weeks of being back at work included full-body hives. I eventually had to go in and get prednisone because they would not go away. And nothing was helping. Stress was determined to be the cause. I tried to calm my brain, accept that I had a great setup that others would be thrilled to have, but as an attorney, it's hard to have an actual day off. Clients have become accustomed to immediate replies, and that little ding is like a handcuff. I was constantly checking emails and responding to "urgent" matters on my days home, despite not being able to then go in late or go home early on work days to account for that time.

The attorney that was my employer and mentor is a fantastic human being, but as a manager of a mom of two young children, there was a bit of a disconnect. To this day, he loves seeing my kids and we get along great, but I was struggling with expectations on all sides and felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life. Part-time stay at home mom, part-time attorney, and wife should have all been manageable, but I drowning in a feeling of failure. On one particularly busy week with an upcoming closing, I was asked to come to work on my "off" day, which meant the kids came too. My secretary entertained my 2 year old and I had my 5 month old baby in my front pack at my computer. It was okay, but a little bit of a disaster, and my boss looked at me like I had three head, though he knew I'd be bringing them with me to get the work done. At that time, I dreamed of going out on my own and starting my own firm. That little nugget of fear and insecurity in the back of my mind held me back. What if I failed? What would people think? Am I good/smart enough? I just couldn't make the leap. I did, however, need a change.

I reached out to a woman attorney I'd seen as a mentor and who had helped me through some earlier issues as a mom in a men-owned firm. I told her how I was feeling and explained that I was in no hurry, but would love to explore an opportunity at her firm- a women owned firm made up of moms with flexible schedules. Soon after reaching out, they had an offer for me. I wasn't expecting such a quick change, but felt like it was meant to be.

At first it was just what I needed- a fresh start after 6 years in the same place felt GREAT! Not long after, however, some of the same issues were arising. I always had to be available for other people's clients, and I didn't feel like my contributions were being acknowledged or appreciated. Also, a problem with both offices was unhappy people. I am very sensitive to the moods and attitudes of others, so when a lot of my day includes complaining by other people, whether about their jobs or husbands or home life, it takes a toll on me.

My amazing, supportive, cheerleader of a husband helped me make the hardest and scariest decision of my life. In May, 2015 I quit my job. I created Mankamyer Real Estate Law and started business on June 1, 2015. Now, looking back over a year later, I am so thankful. It has not been perfect and there are definitely times where I fear that I won't get another client and I won't be able to make ends meet. then, a client comes in and everything is okay.

A few things that I would not change for anything:

1- I have complete control over my schedule. When flights go on sale, I buy tickets and take my kids to see my family in WA. We fly at weird times, I go over weekdays, and I can still help my clients from my parents' dining room. My kids are doing more activities and I can take them to them without apologizing to a boss or supervisor.
2- My clients are getting better service. I am able to really devote my time and energy to the work I'm doing because it is work that I want to be doing, and I like my clients. I do not have another level of accountability that I have to keep track of or keep happy. I can focus on my clients in a way I wasn't able to do with a boss. This sounds strange, but having a superior was taking a toll on my sanity because I am a hyper-sensitive worrier!
3- I am more fulfilled in the work I'm doing because every job directly impacts my bottom line. If I have a crazy busy month, I see it in my financial returns. If I have a slow month and take the kids to travel, or we need to decompress a bit, I can accept that I will make less money and not need to worry about anyone other than my family.
4- I am accountable for my work and my clients. There are sometimes hard conversations about billing or problems that in a firm environment, I would have happily handed to a supervisor, or asked them to give me the right answer of what to do. Instead, I now have to deal with issues head on. This is not always fun and sometimes I really hate it, but it is making me better at my job, improving some practices as I learn from these experiences and I'm growing from this process.

That being said, nothing is perfect. I still have the issues of being part-time everything with the expectation of full-time attention and response. I have days where I have lead in my chest because I feel like 'm failing at every single aspect of my life. Each time that happens, I can at least take a deep breath and remind myself that I am in control and can examine and adjust what needs attention. My children matter the most and there is never going to be a perfect solution, but this is what is working for all of us right now and I could not be more thankful for this freedom.

Ultimately, I am sharing this experience with you because I hope that each person can find the strength, support and path to follow their dreams. Ten years ago, I never would have thought that this was going to be my dream job, but I'm so thankful I was able to go deep and see this opportunity for what it was and take it. If you are unhappy in your job/career/marriage/situation, staying put is never going to fix it. Making changes within the situation to improve it can make a huge difference. Knowing yourself well enough to evaluate what is making you unhappy and figuring out what to change is a never-ending process, but will serve you well in every aspect of your life!

Never give up, dreamers.

Sis's Journey

This is a long one.

On July 27, 2013, we found out that I was pregnant again! We spent the morning at the zoo, then in the afternoon went to visit our horse, then stopped at Lowe's to look at some kitchen appliances.

While shopping, I was famished and told Jay I was starving. He immediately said, 'Are you pregnant?' Given that we'd only been trying for a month, the thought really hadn't even entered my mind. My husband, however, clearly remembered 'bear mode' from my pregnancy with Loop- I would hit points of suddenly being famished and would be a nightmare for everyone until I ate. Bear mode. We went through a drive through on the way home for some fries and picked up a pregnancy test. I didn't even follow all the instructions of waiting until morning, etc. I just took the test. Yep, pregnant! I took another one the next day just to be sure, but it was positive too. We were elated. We also immediately started talking about baby as though it was a girl, though it would be many weeks before that was confirmed.

At our 12 week appointment, the ultrasound tech said she has a 95% accuracy rate of identifying the gender. So, we asked her for her guess. Girl. She said, 'Don't go buying anything. We will confirm at your next appointment, but I'm pretty sure it's a girl.' We didn't completely follow her advice- we went and bought a stuffed pink bunny and just knew it was a girl. That was confirmed at my 14week ultrasound.

At that time, we also discussed with my doctor whether I would need to go back to the high risk doctors due to my possible cervical incompetence, which you can read more about here. My doctor didn't think it was necessary, as everything looked good. I, however, said that I did not mind and would rather be safe than sorry. Accordingly, she referred me over and I had my first ultrasound over there at 18 weeks.

At 18 weeks my cervix was a tiny bit shorter.  The doctor wasn't overly concerned, but decided that I should come back in one week rather than two just to be safe. I went on that week, business as usual. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. No pain. Nothing that alarmed me.

On November 12, we went in for another ultrasound. Because of the concern the week before, I brought Jay. I was a little nervous and thought maybe they would tell us that I needed to schedule a cerclage to stitch my cervix and keep it from getting shorter.  The moment the ultrasound began, the tech looked concerned and rushed out of the room. The doctor came in immediately and did the ultrasound. What she said didn't make sense at first. "Your cervix is down to nothing," she said. I didn't understand. I was in shock. She asked what kind of car we had. What? Why? She said that we needed to go to the hospital immediately and wanted to make sure that I could lie down the entire way. If I could not do it in our car, she was calling an ambulance. I lost control a bit at that moment. She checked me and I was dilated 5cm and effaced. That is what you hear when you are in full on labor. I was at 19 weeks. My baby girl was not even close to viable. She was the size of a tomato or a mango. I was feeling her move and kick and flip. This could not be happening. The doctor did an emergency amnio to confirm whether that was any infection. If there was an infection, they would induce me and we would lose our little girl. If there was no infection, they would do an emergency cerclage and pray.

I was hysterical. Inconsolable. How could this be happening?  They wheeled me down to our car and Jay drove us to the hospital as fast as he could. Meanwhile, he also made the calls that I couldn't. He called my mom and my boss. I cried the entire way. The doctor we met at the hospital was wonderful. She was upbeat, cheerful even and in a time of pure fear and desperation made me feel like this was going to be okay. The amnio came back clean, so we had the go ahead for surgery to put in a cerclage. Unfortunately, we'd stopped for lunch before going to the doctor, so I had to wait until the evening before anesthesiology would okay the procedure. We waited. And waited. And worried. And waited. At shift change, a new doctor introduced herself and told us our anticipated surgery time. Jay then ran out to pick up Loop, get him home and meet his sister who would stay with him so that Jay could be at the hospital.

After Jay left, the doctor came back. She told me the really bad, scary odds of how this would turn out. This type of cerclage, called a "rescue cerclage" usually gave moms about 4 weeks. That would put Sis at 23 weeks. Maybe viable, probably not. The procedure had a high likelihood of breaking my water. If that happens, baby is induced and we lose her. Any hope that Happy Doctor had instilled was now dashed. I clutched my little belly and cried. Pessimist Doctor asked me the question that I never considered. "Do you want to terminate." I looked at her, I looked at my nurse sitting quietly beside me, and I looked down at my little belly. Baby Sis was moving. She was alive and I loved her. I said no. I didn't need to ask Jay. I didn't need to think about it. This little girl wanted me to know that she was a fighter and I was going to give her any chance I could. Even if it failed. Even if we lost her. I couldn't just give up. I am still bothered by this conversation. I don't know if she purposely waited for Jay to leave. Maybe she did this a courtesy. Maybe some people want this option but are too afraid to ask. Maybe she wants to be sure that a mom isn't pressured by her husband or anyone else. To say the least, it was extremely upsetting and led to a tear filled call to my mom, and an angry husband when he returned to find his wife in shambles.

I got it together and around 9:00pm we went in for surgery. I'll leave out the details, but everything went as well as it could have. My water did not break. I did not go into labor. The nurse practitioner could see Baby Sis's foot during the procedure. I still can't believe that. Two stitches were places to secure my cervix and they were able to close it.

Long story short, I spent a week in the hospital laying in bed away from Loop.  

Loop brought me flowers when he came to visit at the hospital

Some treasured snuggles with my boy in my hospital bed.

I spent another two weeks on bed rest, another two or three weeks on modified bed rest and then was cleared for normal life again once we were well into the third trimester. Those stitches stayed put! We are still so incredibly grateful that, despite her conversation with me, Pessimistic Doctor did her job and did it well. She saved Sis. 

Loop giving Sis some love at 34 weeks

On Friday, March 14, the cerclage was removed. We had reached 37 weeks and Sis was cleared for arrival.

On Wednesday, March 19, I went in for a normal check up, found out I was 5cm dilated and 80% effaced! A short seven hours and easy (and I mean EASY) delivery later, we met our sweet baby girl!

 At 6 pounds, 15 ounces and 19.5 inches long, Sis was perfect, healthy and doing great. Though she was early, everything was perfect and we took her home two days later, thankful for our little miracle and glad to be a success story that can be told to the next mom arriving in tears, scared to death. 

 

My beautiful baby girl!

Summer 2013

I doubt anyone is still reading this, given that I've so thoroughly neglected it, but I will continue to write, even if it is just for me...

I left out an important detail of our life in my last post. Well, really two important details that coincide a little bit. 

On June 9, 2013 a car crashed into Loop's bedroom.

Yes, we were home. Yes, Loop was in his room. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and I will never fully get over it.

Thankfully, all that could have gone horrifically wrong did not.

Loop stayed safely in his crib, though it was hit by his changing table, which was hit by the car. Had we been changing his diaper or rocking him to sleep, this story could have been very different. The driver was not injured or killed. Though I still hold a lot of anger toward this man and would like a sincere apology, I am thankful that my house did not kill him. The next few days were a wake-up call. A freak accident nearly turned our world inside out. A stupid mistake could have taken my baby away and there was nothing I could do about it.

















Besides a near mental break on my part, a few weeks living out of hotels, and a lot of hassles, everything was okay and we all came out of it unscathed. We quickly had a realization that life is not a promise, we can't control everything, and sometimes you just have to take a chance. This led to our decision to try for Baby #2. We'd been discussing when it would be right, what we wanted to accomplish first, etc., but on June 10 decided that we needed to just give it a chance and hope that everything would be okay. I didn't want to wait and miss an opportunity at another amazing gift.

Hence, our second big detail left out of my prior post- I found out that I was pregnant on July 27.

Though a bit shocked at how quickly that happened (it took over 8 months to conceive Loop), we were ecstatic and both thought immediately that this time it was a girl. Our ultrasound tech guessed 'girl' at our 12 week appointment, and her guess was confirmed at our 16 week visit- we were expecting a GIRL! We were thrilled and couldn't wait to meet Jack's baby sister. I will share more details about my pregnancy in my next post, as it was a bit more of a roller coaster than Loop's!

Twenty Months of Fun!

Today Loop is twenty months old- a short four months away from his SECOND BIRTHDAY! I can't believe it! This has been the most wonderful, exciting, challenging, hilarious, and fun adventure and here we are- almost two years in! Here are some more updated camera pics of the Looper in action!

 Pony rides at the end of year party at day care! This was "Jester."

Books can be read anywhere!

"Cheese!"

Cool guy...

He won't touch blueberries from the store- fresh picked ONLY!

Catch?

Apparently, riding the dog like a small pony is not frowned upon in this establishment!

 On our horse, Dakota, for the first time!

We have so much fun every single day with this kid. Right now he can't stop talking. It is non-stop and I love it. I can only understand about 30%, but it is so cute to hear him just rambling on, completely certain in whatever it is that he is saying. He has also learned how to get my attention and yells "Mon" (yes- it is Mon, not Mom) at me. He can be in the other room, or 6 inches from my face, but if he thinks he needs my attention, it is "Mon" as forceful and loud and possible. It's really adorable and sometime a tiny bit obnoxious when it's fourteen times in a row.

Speed is key right now- walking is no fun, and running is no fun unless in circles. The most popular game right now is when Thomas (our littlest dog) is sitting or lying in the family room. Loop then runs circles around him as fast as he can for as long as he can before falling over, and then starts all over! Thomas plays along pretty well considering how many falls land on him. Loop knows all he animals names and is happy to point them out and identify them often. "Mon! It's Morrison!" So far he can't really command them to do anything, but I am sure he'll have that down soon too.

I can't describe how much I love this kid!

Thankful.

I have a wonderful, funny, goofy kid, who, despite a constant snot faucet of a nose, is absolutely perfect and healthy. I have an amazing husband that is the greatest father and supports us in so many ways.

In the every day hustle and bustle, worrying about the to dos of today, the bills to pay, the places to be, it is easy to get hung up on the small stuff. And sometimes the big stuff of other people. I have had many children to pray for lately with devastating conditions. Genetic abnormalities that result in a short life in a hospital; inoperable and fatal cancer in an otherwise perfect four year old. These things are too horrible. Too sad. Too painful. I easily get caught up in the empathy, in the what ifs.

Instead, today, I am saying "thank you." No small stuff or big stuff can take away from the fact that I am so blessed beyond comprehension. My perfect little boy is the light of my life. I am so glad that in just about an hour, I will get to see him run up to me to give me a hug and a kiss before we go home to play, eat dinner and read stories. I will get to talk with my husband about our day and our week, and work on the small stuff. I love my life and I am so very thankful.

Happy First Birthday!

My sweet baby is suddenly a little boy. I don't know when the transition happened. I guess it was gradual, but it doesn't feel that way. It's like I woke up one day and suddenly the Loop is a kid rather than a baby! He does still refer to himself as "baby" though. Loop started walking (officially walking- taking multiple steps confidently in a row) on November 11th. Since then he has just picked it up like it was nothing and is now running and can negotiate dips, steps, and stepping over things in his path. He still has trouble with slopes, but we're working on it.

 Happy birthday boy!

Loop's birthday was wonderful. My family was staying with us and he got spoiled rotten, then there was the PARTY! He is one popular kid. So many people came to celebrate the big day with us. Mommy may have gone a little overboard on the decorating, but it was so much fun getting ready to celebrate one year with our boy. It was wonderful to have family and friends there to see Loop- he was so happy. For his birthday from my family, Loop got a cool big boy chair. When his friends arrived for the party, Loop shared the chair with his friends and they enjoyed climbing all over it! The cake smash wasn't very successful- Loop has a funny texture thing and hates sticky things on his fingers. I think the frosting was too sticky for him. Had I fed the cake to him by spoon, I am pretty sure he would have eaten the entire thing, but on his own he was not having it. His very favorite part of his birthday was the BALLOONS! He loved hitting them, throwing them, carrying them, laying on them and staring at them. Thankfully he didn't pop any so he was never afraid of them.

Spoiled rotten!!

Loop's birthday party was so much fun, I can't wait for many more to come. It will be really fun whn he wants to pick the theme and invite his friends. I want him to always know how much we love him, how special he is, and how important his birthday is because it is commemorating the day we met him and the start of our wonderful journey with him!

New Places, New Faces

I have discussed Loop's childcare on here before, but really only in how I chose his Montessori. Over the last six months, I was getting more and more frustrating with the facility, its management and some of the caregivers.

I am not a shy person. As soon as the problems started, I voiced my concerns. I had more than a few emails, phone calls and meetings about my concerns. Some of those concerns included trivial things like losing bottles (which does irritate me, as those things aren't free) and not leaving detailed notes about the day, to more serious concerns including caregiver lying to my on multiple occasions, the significant cost of care, and lack of confidence in the quality of care being provided for my child. Loop's room had two caregivers for up to 10 children (the state maximum and standard, but usually it was 6-8 kids). Since starting at this school in March, there has been one caregiver that has been constant with more than six different caregivers rotating through the room. Loop is pretty flexible and easy going, but that many people gets overwhelming. You finally get used to one person, then they are gone and there is a whole new person with a different personality and different methods to adjust to. I was getting fed up. The people I liked would leave, and the ones I didn't would stay around and just return every time a good one left. I was at my wits' end.

In June, I began casually looking at other options, including a daycare that my co-worker's kids attended, but that only provided care to one year olds and older. I got on the waiting list. I also started investigated nanny shares, in home care, and other options. For us, I really like the oversight and socialization in a daycare environment. I get nervous about a nanny not actually doing what they are supposed to when there is no one else there to look over their shoulder. I like that daycares are regulated and inspected by the state and have certain requirements that must be met at all times for care. Few home caregivers are licensed (I understand that the process is a pain, expensive, and really time consuming), which makes me nervous.

I had some good weeks that made me think twice about the stress of a move, but after several bad weeks, I resolved to move Loop as soon as we could. On November 30, we got a spot in the new daycare. Now that a spot was available, I had real reservations about moving Loop. What if he doesn't adjust well? What if we don't like the new place? What if I don't get along with the parents as well as at the current place? What if...? Ultimately, I realized that we had to try. I was getting the point of crying weekly over my frustrations and wasn't feeling good about the care Loop was getting. It is not easy leaving your child at daycare, but it's sooooo much harder if you have any bad feelings. I cried saying goodbye to the caregivers that truly love Loop. I cried telling them we were leaving. Now that the decision has been made, however, I am so glad that the "what ifs" didn't hold me back. If it doesn't work, we will re-evaluate but we needed to make a change.

Loop started there beginning in the new year and so far so good! We really appreciate the cost savings, as the tuition is $300 less per month, they provide all meals (we had to pack ALL food at Loop's old place) and they even provide wipes and launder the sheets. We just have to bring diapers. Though food and wipes aren't going to bankrupt us, it is one less thing to buy and have to pack each day. So far I have really appreciated the responsiveness of the staff at Loop's new daycare and I think this will be good.

Moral of the story: change is hard, but can be great. You just need to be willing to take the leap. Almost nothing is permanent. If we aren't happy, we will try again, but we'll never know if we don't give it a chance.

Fun Fun Fun

Loop is now nearly ten months old. When people tell you "they grow up too fast," "time flies," and things like "it feels like just yesterday that you were just a baby," it is easy to brush off the comments as cliché nonsense, or old fart ramblings to be categorized with statements such as, "I walked ten miles to school uphill both ways." I get it now. Time somehow accelerates the moment this tiny person enters your life. Not only does his daily growth remind you of time's constant march forward, but the constant changes taking place in your home and life compared to what was happening even just weeks before can be shocking. To try to remember what it was like before Loop was this active, chatty, laughing person is almost impossible. The new memories quickly replace those before. I am making "monthly" albums to have some pictures printed and just looking at how different he looked at two and three months old compared to now is crazy.

Loop can do all kinds of fun things now. He is such a little boy! Being with older kids in his Montessori has caused him to want to keep up with everything. He is standing and nearly walking. The new terror for me is that he thinks he can stand without holding onto anything. He cannot. Despite reminding him of this important fact, he keeps forgetting and falls down often. I understand that falling is a part of the process. He is pretty good about going backwards onto his butt when is done with standing, but when he just decides to reach for things while standing, the falls can be fairly dramatic.  The fall involving a chin hit so that he bit his tongue or cheek was the worst. There was so much blood! This is the stuff that is hard about being a mom. You want your kid to be protected and not know pain. Thankfully, no injuries have been serious, he forgets pain quickly, and the purple cries are few and far between! I'm still considering a fully padded living room, however. I think that we will have a walker before I know it!

One of Loop's very favorite games at the moment is "feed the dog." His chair at the table allows his hand to reach Thomas' mouth at the perfect height. Thomas doesn’t even need to stand up to take food from Loop's hand. The game is not Thomas stealing food, but rather, Loop just handing it to his mouth. If it is bananas, loops will eat a piece, then hand a piece to Thomas, eat a piece, hand a piece to Thomas… until the banana is gone. This game works with all foods since Thomas is a garbage disposal. I think Thomas will need to be back on a strict diet… I am so glad we have the dogs, though. Loop loves them so much and all three are really starting to pay attention to him. Thomas has always been attached to him, but now Alki gives him big kisses when we get home, and even Morrison will allow him to pet him and climb on him occasionally. I also appreciate the latest research finding that kids around dogs who go outside have fewer allergies and better health. We totally planned then when getting three dogs and installing a dog door for constant outdoor fun!

This picture is old now, but one of my very favorites. It really shows everyone's personality.

Hello Again!

I apologize for the complete lack of updates and posts. Time just keeps racing on, faster and faster. Here it is, suddenly mid-August. I have an 8 month old and am already making plans for his first birthday. I cannot believe it!

Motherhood truly is one of the most incredible experiences. To see this little person becoming himself so early and to watch as he grows and changes every day is amazing. My son is the most remarkable person I know and has had the most profound impact on my life and I've only known him 8 months! It is so much fun to see his personality emerging. He is very thoughtful and happy. He prefers to see the good in things and rarely gets angry. He is very investigative and curious. He does not fear physical harm. Friends have told me of their cautious children that are always very conscientious when it comes to physical dangers. Not my child. He will hit, pull, charge, roll and ram right into anything in his way. Sometimes he regrets those actions, but he will try again tomorrow. This makes me fear for him already! I see a dare devil emerging!  

Every day has some new excitement, whether it be a new sound he can make, or being able to do something new with his body. The last few weeks have brought the ability to "cluck" with his tongue and bring himself up to sitting. Humans are really incredible. I crack up seeing his excitement over a new skill.

I am still working full-time and, while there are struggles, it continues to work out for us. I am thankful for an understanding employer that realizes that my child will always come first. For example, today I managed to leave the bag of food for the daycare on the counter and of course did not realize it until we reached the daycare. I did not get scolded for being a half hour late. If I am having a slow day, I go hang out with Loop in the afternoon and no one questions where I have been.

Life is GOOD!

Love Him!

This kid is just too cute. I swear, every day he is more adorable than the last. I put him in these overall shorts and it just killed me!

I just love him SOOO much! Sometimes I wonder how my heart isn't bursting out of my chest!

Some People...

I have let myself get hurt by a complete stranger having a conversation that I was not a part of. I wish people would think about how what comes out of their mouths may impact a person standing 4 feet away from them that is forced to listen to it. At my gym there is an area with mirrors and counters for drying your hair and doing your make up. At any given time there are 2 to 12 people in there getting ready. It is small and you can easily hear everything everyone is saying. Two women getting ready together were having a conversation about a "friend" in med school with a baby. I add the quotes because I would hope that none of my friend would say this about me- one of the girls said, about her friend's decision to continue with med school and become a doctor, "Why even have a kid if you don't want to spend time with it." Neither woman in this conversation has children. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The comment caught me off guard and it did not hit me until I was in the car how hurtful it really was to me and all working moms. I love my son more than anything. My "choice" to go back to work was not even in the slightest bit related to my desire or a lack of desire to spend time with him. To even think that was a factor is a joke.  I want to spend time with my son. I do spend time with my son and I treasure every second. However, I spent seven years in school to become an attorney. I have student debt in an amount that rivals most mortgages. Unfortunately, I don't get to write a letter to Direct Loans and Sallie Mae that says, "Great News! I had a baby. Therefore, I will no longer be making payments, and I will look forward to a notice of forgiveness of my debts." I still have to pay them off. Also, I want to keep a roof over Loop's head, have good, healthy food for him to eat, and hopefully be able to give him the opportunities that I had in life and maybe even be able to help him get a graduate degree someday (if he wants one) so that he won't have the kind of student loans that his parents have. I can't do that if I am not working. These two women are working out at a nice gym with high fees. One of these women (I know this from attending a free training session with her last year) was able to quit her job and spend an entire year "figuring things out" while also going to this expensive gym PLUS going to a personal trainer at least twice a week. From my perspective, her economic reality is different from most people I know. So, maybe to her, staying home would be a given. Unfortunately, for me it is not. Also, I am okay with working. I will get to that later.

Later in this lovely conversation, one of the women said, "Well, maybe I will feel different when I have kids and I won't be able to stand being at home." Nope. That's not it either. I am not working because I can't stand being at home. To assume that women are working because being home is awful for them is another terrible, incorrect assumption. Right now I am part-time and I cherish my mornings with Loop. I enjoy our time together and it is wonderful. However, I do also enjoy my time at work. Going back to work helped me to realize that I am, right now, a better mother as a working mother. I go to my office, accomplish work stuff, feel good about it, and get to end my day with picking up my happy, smiling baby. I do no resent my son in any way, shape or form.  I am more appreciative of my time with Loop because of my job, and I think that I am doing a better job of making our time "quality" time and really making the most of it. I don't know that I was fully doing that when I was home full-time. I realize that this is going to get tougher once I am back to work full-time, but I still am fully confident that I will have good, quality time with my son and I will still be a good mom even though I will spend much of the day at my desk while he is at "school." He is literally two minutes away from me in a safe, clean place with skilled caregivers and other happy babies. He is getting socialized with other people and children, is getting age appropriate education, and I know that he is okay. My mom worked almost all of my childhood and I do not think that my brother and I were damaged. I know how much she loves us and I have never doubted that. My mom was always there for me, even if sometimes work interfered with scheduling. She was there emotionally all the time which, to me, is as important, if not more important than being there physically. I never felt like I came second to her job. I hope that I can balance it all just as she did, but I know from personal experience that a mom can work and love her kids.

What really is bothering me about this whole thing is that there is not one perfect solution that works for every family. Each person is different, just like every situation is different. I know people that stay home, are great moms with great kids, and they have a wonderful life. I also know people that work, are great moms with great kids, and they too have a wonderful life. There are a million different factors, scenarios and solutions. As my dad always says, different strokes for different folks. Even if these women had kids, I don't think it is ever fair to judge someone else's family choices because you can never know all of the pieces of their particular puzzle.

In conclusion, for you non-moms out there, please don't ever be confused and think that a working mom is someone that doesn't want to be around her kids. And, even if you do think that, try to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in public. You never know if there is a new working mom nearby whose day may be ruined by your judgmental comment.

Top Ten List

Here is my "Top Ten List" of being a mom. This is based on how I feel today. I may have a new list on any given day in the future.

10) Being able to use my kid as an excuse. If I am being held up by non-pressing matters at work at the end of the day, I can say, "I am sorry, but I need to go pick up my son before they start charging me $1 per minute." Works every time. No one wants to have to reimburse me for that.

9) Knowing things. I am someone that rarely has a straight answer to a question. I am always weighing pros and cons and thinking of possible alternate scenarios. This is still true for many issues relating to my son, but I also have real, solid answers to questions about my son. I know what he needs, what can help him, and how to do it. That is a pretty cool feeling.

8) Baby snuggles. Enough said.

7) Photography. Loop has renewed my love of photographs and has encouraged me to try to re-learn all of the tricks and things that I knew years ago. I am loving taking pictures, playing with my lenses and settings, and printing pictures.

6) Baby toes and baby fingers. When he is eating, Loop likes to pet you with his feet. It is such a sweet thing and I love it. I could play with his toes and fingers all day.

5) Bath time. Loop LOVES the bath and he is so sweet and calm during bath time. It is such a sweet, quiet  time for the three of us as a family.

4) No bad days. Nothing can be that bad. I can have a crummy time at the office, or a grumpy client yell at me, but at the end of it, I get to go get my son and have him smile at me. That fixes everything. I can have a fight with my husband or make some really dumb mistake that screws something up, and then I get to take a walk and show my son the beautiful sky. No day can be bad with my little guy in it.

3) Seeing how much joy Loop brings to complete strangers. Someone that does not know us can look at my son and just smile ear to ear. I never have that effect on people! He brings joy to others by just the slightest smile. I hope that he leaves a lasting glad impression on those people.

2) The love. There is so much pure love in every day in our home now. We are calmer and happier. So much love.

And the Number One Best Thing About Being a Mom is.... drum roll please...

Making my kid laugh. Seriously. The. Best. Thing. EVER. Whether I am actively trying to encourage giggling, or if he is just looking at me and laughing for no reason that I can discern, it is the greatest joy that I have ever had. Sometimes I am changing Loop's diaper and he just looks at me and cracks up. Last night, Jay and I were putting him to bed and doing our ritual reading of "Pajama Time" and he was just squealing at us. It was adorable, hilarious, and so heartwarming!

<3

What No One Tells You

I have mentally been writing this post for quite some time now, but I thought I would share my take on those things that no one tells you happen after giving birth. Yes, everyone knows you will be tired, sleep-deprived, and have a wonderful bundle of joy to love. There is, however, more to it, and I am going to share what I went through here. This is obviously not universal, but I wish someone had forewarned me about some of these items and so I am sharing here in case it could help someone else.

BE WARNED- I am not holding back and will describe things that are not for the faint of heart or stomach. This post is the definition of TMI.

1) Your body will be a mess.  Whether you deliver vaginally or have a cesarean, you will have an "injury" that needs to heal. For me, that was an episiotomy. The swelling, stitches, and bleeding were a whole new kind of horror. Having had uterine surgery, I was not as shocked by the blood as some may be. I was, however, shocked by the rest. The barrage of treatments that was provided to me should have been an indicator of what was coming, but no. The analgesic spray, episiotomy foam, Tucks pads, spray bottle and HUGE pads created a routine that left me in a slight state of shock. My husband was extremely glad that we have two bathrooms. I hated looking at and using all that stuff. He didn't need to see the pile of crap constantly too. It took a solid three weeks for me to not hurt, and 6 weeks for the bleeding to finally stop. Also, you do not have your baby and wake up the next day looking and feeling awesome. You are fat. Not cute fat like you were when you had your big baby belly, but jiggly, squishy fat that things like pants dig into to create lovely bulges. The fitted maternity tops that I wore that clung tightly to my firm baby bump now cling to my not at all firm tummy. This is not a pretty picture. I spent months being proud of my big belly and had an abrupt switch to trying anything to cover it up. This takes us to point 2...

2) Losing the baby weight is no joke. Three months after having my son, I have lost 38 of the 45 pounds that I gained while pregnant. However, the remaining fat is distributed quite differently that it was at other times when I've been at a similar weight. The gut remains despite my requests for it to find a new home. It took until 3 weeks ago for my hips to return to a a size that would allow me to wear any pre-pregnancy non-stretchy pants. This was probably the most depressing thing. I was wearing my "fat" jeans and every time I would try on another pair of pants and fail, there was a little voice in my head wondering why I am still so big. When I was pregnant and worrying over how I'd lose the weight, people would make comments like, "Oh, well if you are breastfeeding you will be super skinny in no time," or "don't worry, it will be easy if you are breastfeeding." These types of comments make it sound as though you can just have your baby, start breastfeeding, and the weight will just magically disappear. That may happen for some people. It did not for me. I was not mentally prepared for the struggle, both physically and emotionally, that would begin after having a baby.  I started walking and doing light exercise around 4 weeks after having my son and started doing some aerobics and running when he was 6 weeks old. The first few weeks were miserable. I felt so out of shape and weak. Now, at 14 weeks, I am running 3+ miles 2 to three times a week, eating healthier, lifting weights, and still breastfeeding. Yet, I am still squishy around the middle and feel big. Part of that, for sure, is the boobs- they just make me look bigger- but I was not prepared for how hard I have had to work to get to this place that is still a good distance from where I want to be. The weight certainly did not fall off, nor do I feel, in any way, skinny. I am finally feeling like I am getting there. My skin on my tummy is tightening, but I am still very self conscious and don't yet feel like myself. If you feel discouraged after having a baby- you are not alone! Keep working and be patient- it gets better.

3) Other muscles need work. I was so excited to be done with peeing every five minutes. Except I wasn't. At the beginning I was still peeing constantly and felt like I needed to pee constantly. Kegels right away are a must. My low point- peeing my pants while running on the treadmill. Thankfully, it was not a ton, and I don't think anyone knew but me. That is, however, not something I EVER want to repeat! Again- kegels are a must.

4)You will learn a new definition of tired. You expect to be sleep deprived after having a baby. No one sugar coats that. What I was not prepared for was how physically exhausted I was. It was not just from the lack of sleep, but from the trauma on my body from labor and I think the learning process of taking care of a new baby took its own toll. I didn't realize how exhausted I truly was until, after three weeks, I finally started to feel like me again. I was awake during the day, but felt like I had no energy for anything other than taking care of my son. I was so thankful to have my mom staying with us for ten days during that time, as she helped to accomplish the things that I just couldn't fathom doing- laundry, dishes, cooking. We would have survived and once I felt back to myself, I would have gotten caught up, but having her there to help made such a difference and I know Jay really appreciated it, especially since he was back to work right away. After that, there was and is still a lack of sleep, but my body seems to have accepted it and adjusted accordingly.

5) Be prepared to be embarrassed. Hopefully this doesn't happen to many new moms, but I was sort of a wreck emotionally and mentally there for awhile. The worst was the crying. I was not depressed, nor was I ever worried that maybe I was. I would just have random crying fits. I blamed the hormones. I would be on the phone having a conversation about scheduling something and would suddenly be crying. It was often when there was something complicated and I would get a rush of feeling overwhelmed and panic... and then cry. Embarrassing. Also, I never really had "baby brain" while pregnant. Instead, it hit me like a freight train for at least a month during maternity leave. I think weeks 7-10 were the worst. I screwed up doctor appointments, needed constant reminders of dumb things, and, of course when I'd mess up, I'd cry! I just had to accept that public embarrassment was something I would need to get through. I did, and thankfully, for the most part, I am embarrassing myself (and my husband) less and less.

6) Non-moms do not understand breastfeeding/pumping. I don't expect people to be experts or really to understand much, but they should realize that it is a real thing and, yes, women do still breastfeed. And, yes, sometimes it takes place in public. There are times where there really isn't another option. You can't tell your newborn to "wait until we get home"  or "you aren't really hungry." I always use a cover, and it has never been a big deal, but I have definitely been given looks. Also, pumping is something that, when you are trying to avoid breastfeeding in public and use a bottle, must be done at some point. It's embarrassing enough to have to go sit (or in my case stand) in a bathroom stall pumping for 10-15 minutes while people knock on the stall door and probably wonder what that mechanical sounds is coming from the stall. I don't need people judging me. So, be prepared to feel weird about it. You will figure it out and it will be fine. Bottom line- your kid will need to eat and you will make it happen one way or another.

I'm sure I will think of ten more things once I post this, but for now, there is a really long post for you about the joys of new motherhood. Maybe the next post will be about all of the really great things since this is pretty negative.

A Quick Note

For any of you who are still checking this and wondering if I've died, I have not. I have just been loving on this little baby as much as possible before I have to go back to work (in just over a week!). I write little posts in my head all day long, but I never sit at the computer long enough during the day to get my thoughts typed out.

I can wholeheartedly say that being a mother is the greatest, most enjoyable, incredible and rewarding experience of my entire life. I have never felt so much joy or love. To think it has been just over ten weeks since I became a mom to my little guy is shocking because it feels like there was nothing before. I realize that this is ridiculously mushy, a total cliche, and maybe something that people are sick of hearing, but it is truly how I feel. Loving this tiny human so much has changed me. Also, I feel more confident as a person. I know that if what I am doing is best for my son, then it is what is right.

To be clear, every moment isn't easy, and we are not perfect people or parents.  However, I know how to keep my son happy and healthy so far and that is what matters right now. The little sacrifices here and there are worth it. In addition, I am blessed with an incredible husband that does so much to make our lives better. I cannot imagine trying to do this on my own, and I do not know how single moms do this. We also have the calmest, sweetest, wonderful little boy that makes it easy. He is a good eater, a good sleeper, and easy to please. If he is crying, it is for a purpose, and the problem can usually be fixed very quickly. We are in the very small percentage of new parents that are getting sleep in one long stretch. My son takes after his father and sleeps like a champ. His current schedule is that he goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11 and wakes up around 6:30 or 7. It is unbelievable and there were several nights early on when I awoke in a panic convinced that something must be wrong, as he had not woken up. Thankfully, that was never the case. The boy just loves his sleep. Here's hoping he keeps it up!

That is all for now. I will hopefully return to more regular posting once I'm back at work and have some slow times at my computer.

The Journey in Photographs

My prior posts have been from my office computer, so I didn't have access to my photo library. Since I am now home with our sweet baby, I thought it would be fun to post some pictures from the start of my pregnancy to the baby's birth.

Side Note: I have chosen not to include our son's name on this blog, as it is public, so please refrain from using his name in comments as well. I will create a nickname that I'll use on here once I come up with it!

Pregnant!!

4 weeks

21 weeks

26 weeks

26 weeks

32 weeks

36 weeks

39 weeks- night before being induced

In the hospital

Meeting baby for the first time!

Baby Boy!

Our baby boy was born December 6, 2011 at 4:17pm. He was 8lbs. 2oz. and 20 inches long.

These pictures are from the hospital on December 7, 2011.

Giving Thanks

(I started this last week, but failed to finish it by Thursday)

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I have so much to be thankful for-my heart could burst from all of the gratitude!

I am thankful for my incredible family. My husband is amazing beyond words and has shown me nothing but love, support, and strength even when I am being a pregnant psycho. My parents and brother have been so supportive and excited for us. I can't wait for them to meet their grandson/nephew!!

I am thankful for the healthy baby that is growing and growing inside of me. I am thankful that we have made it past 37 weeks with no problems and that he has been so healthy, and that he has been easy on me and that this pregnancy has been pretty painless.

I am thankful for our friends. We have such wonderful friends supporting us. This is especially valuable now as we make this transition in our lives and start a new chapter. It has become so clear how great some of our friends truly are. I appreciate all of you!
I am thankful for our "fur babies."  We have three sweet, loving dogs and one sweet, loving cat that cheer me up and make me laugh all the time. I can't imagine how quiet and boring our house would be without these four creatures living in it. To have such unconditional love on a daily basis is so heartwarming.

I am thankful for the generosity of others. We have been so lucky to receive such thoughtful and generous gifts from so many people this year. We have also received wonderful advice, stories and hints that have helped to ease our worries and prepare us for what is yet to come. This has made our experience of getting ready for baby so much easier.

I am thankful for our jobs. In a terrible economy, Jay and I have jobs that (usually) we enjoy. I cannot stress enough how thankful I am for this. Also, we work for companies that allow us to actually spend time together.

I am thankful for YOU! Thanks for reading my rants and ramblings. :)

Still Pregnant!

Today I am 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Our baby boy is now considered "full term" and I am within the delivery window (37-42 weeks). My app says that I am now 92.9% through my pregnancy. My due date is 20 days away!!!

My mom has decided that the baby is going to be born this Friday (because that is what is convenient for her) and my husband has decided that he will be born on either December 1st or 2nd (because that is what is convenient for him). I have kindly asked our baby to just come before December 11th. No particular day is convenient for me- I just don't want to be over-due! I'm ready to not be pregnant any more!!!

Feel free to add your own predictions in the comments to this post and we'll see if anyone guesses the baby's birthday correctly!

Driving Me Crazy!

I would like some sort of sticker or sign for my car that reads something along the lines of, "I am very pregnant. BACK OFF!"

I can be a little bit of an angry driver anyway. I don't appreciate people who do not use their blinkers, cut me off, or have no patience. Since becoming pregnant, however, my anger level has gone up quite a bit. It is no longer just me that these idiots are possibly endangering or being aggressive toward. Moreover, I am not willing to take certain risks with my baby in the car with me. For example, a couple days ago, I was at the right turn that I make out of my neighborhood onto a busy main street. I have to immediately cross three lanes to get into the far left lane to then hop on the freeway. There was pretty steady traffic coming, so I just waited until I had the green light rather than flooring it to try to save two minutes and get onto the road. The man behind me did not appreciate this very much. He was waving, yelling and making hand gestures. I can understand if there were blatant openings where I could have easily made it, but this was not the case. I would have had to gun it. Additionally, I was in my 15 year old Jeep at the time, and she does not have quite the get up and go she once did. I am just not willing to take a chance like that now. I really wanted to tell the impatient idiot behind me to just control himself. Once I did turn right and he pulled up next to me, I did not look at him. I did, however, rub my belly trying to give him the message of, "it is not worth it, jerk." I hope he felt dumb, but he probably didn't even notice. Some people are just way too important to wait at a light for an extra couple of minutes.

Update

Had another ultrasound today and Baby Boy is 5lbs 10ounces. I'm at 34 weeks and 4 days, 86.4% through my pregnancy. Baby is due in 38 days, and will be full term in just 17 days!!!

He has definitely dropped, which a good sign because it means that things are progressing normally, so hopefully they will continue to do so.

I am so nervous and excited all at the same time!

Home Stretch

Well, folks, I have hit the 34 week mark. Our baby boy will be "full term" in 3 weeks and my due date is 6 weeks away!

I am definitely feeling ready to be done being pregnant and can't wait to meet our little boy! I am, however, having anxiety over the "what ifs." What if we didn't get something that we absolutely NEED on day one? What if he doesn't like the stuff we do have and we have to get other things? What if he comes early? What if I go into labor and no one is available to take care of the dogs and cat? What if I go into labor and we are having a snow storm?

This may be part of the reason for my lack of sleep as of late. This past week I started sleeping in our guest room. It is very weird to be sleeping alone, but the extra space and pillows, and lack of animals is helping me get more sleep. I was having issues with our bed-sharing Puggle hogging the covers and the cat jumping on me all night long. I still feel like I could fall asleep at any moment during the day, but I'd be even more tired without the sleep I'm getting at night.

I think that the baby may have "dropped" today. I have really felt okay and been moving around pretty well (except for occasionally needing assistance with shoe tying, haha), but starting this morning, it has become a whole new ballgame. I feel so much pressure and I am so much more uncomfortable. We have an appointment on Thursday to check on the baby's growth, etc. so I should know more then. Makes me nervous! Did anyone else drop early and was it okay for the remainder of your pregnancy? I am okay with the idea of our little guy arriving a few weeks early if he is healthy and ready to meet us, but not this early!