After Sis was born, going back to work was hard. I had negotiated a part-time schedule. That negotiation was not easy and took a lot of commitment to my goal of more time with my children, but I got there. Even with a lighter work week, the thought of going back to my old office gave me so much anxiety during my maternity leave, that the first two weeks of being back at work included full-body hives. I eventually had to go in and get prednisone because they would not go away. And nothing was helping. Stress was determined to be the cause. I tried to calm my brain, accept that I had a great setup that others would be thrilled to have, but as an attorney, it's hard to have an actual day off. Clients have become accustomed to immediate replies, and that little ding is like a handcuff. I was constantly checking emails and responding to "urgent" matters on my days home, despite not being able to then go in late or go home early on work days to account for that time.
The attorney that was my employer and mentor is a fantastic human being, but as a manager of a mom of two young children, there was a bit of a disconnect. To this day, he loves seeing my kids and we get along great, but I was struggling with expectations on all sides and felt like I was failing at every aspect of my life. Part-time stay at home mom, part-time attorney, and wife should have all been manageable, but I drowning in a feeling of failure. On one particularly busy week with an upcoming closing, I was asked to come to work on my "off" day, which meant the kids came too. My secretary entertained my 2 year old and I had my 5 month old baby in my front pack at my computer. It was okay, but a little bit of a disaster, and my boss looked at me like I had three head, though he knew I'd be bringing them with me to get the work done. At that time, I dreamed of going out on my own and starting my own firm. That little nugget of fear and insecurity in the back of my mind held me back. What if I failed? What would people think? Am I good/smart enough? I just couldn't make the leap. I did, however, need a change.
I reached out to a woman attorney I'd seen as a mentor and who had helped me through some earlier issues as a mom in a men-owned firm. I told her how I was feeling and explained that I was in no hurry, but would love to explore an opportunity at her firm- a women owned firm made up of moms with flexible schedules. Soon after reaching out, they had an offer for me. I wasn't expecting such a quick change, but felt like it was meant to be.
At first it was just what I needed- a fresh start after 6 years in the same place felt GREAT! Not long after, however, some of the same issues were arising. I always had to be available for other people's clients, and I didn't feel like my contributions were being acknowledged or appreciated. Also, a problem with both offices was unhappy people. I am very sensitive to the moods and attitudes of others, so when a lot of my day includes complaining by other people, whether about their jobs or husbands or home life, it takes a toll on me.
My amazing, supportive, cheerleader of a husband helped me make the hardest and scariest decision of my life. In May, 2015 I quit my job. I created Mankamyer Real Estate Law and started business on June 1, 2015. Now, looking back over a year later, I am so thankful. It has not been perfect and there are definitely times where I fear that I won't get another client and I won't be able to make ends meet. then, a client comes in and everything is okay.
A few things that I would not change for anything:
1- I have complete control over my schedule. When flights go on sale, I buy tickets and take my kids to see my family in WA. We fly at weird times, I go over weekdays, and I can still help my clients from my parents' dining room. My kids are doing more activities and I can take them to them without apologizing to a boss or supervisor.
2- My clients are getting better service. I am able to really devote my time and energy to the work I'm doing because it is work that I want to be doing, and I like my clients. I do not have another level of accountability that I have to keep track of or keep happy. I can focus on my clients in a way I wasn't able to do with a boss. This sounds strange, but having a superior was taking a toll on my sanity because I am a hyper-sensitive worrier!
3- I am more fulfilled in the work I'm doing because every job directly impacts my bottom line. If I have a crazy busy month, I see it in my financial returns. If I have a slow month and take the kids to travel, or we need to decompress a bit, I can accept that I will make less money and not need to worry about anyone other than my family.
4- I am accountable for my work and my clients. There are sometimes hard conversations about billing or problems that in a firm environment, I would have happily handed to a supervisor, or asked them to give me the right answer of what to do. Instead, I now have to deal with issues head on. This is not always fun and sometimes I really hate it, but it is making me better at my job, improving some practices as I learn from these experiences and I'm growing from this process.
That being said, nothing is perfect. I still have the issues of being part-time everything with the expectation of full-time attention and response. I have days where I have lead in my chest because I feel like 'm failing at every single aspect of my life. Each time that happens, I can at least take a deep breath and remind myself that I am in control and can examine and adjust what needs attention. My children matter the most and there is never going to be a perfect solution, but this is what is working for all of us right now and I could not be more thankful for this freedom.
Ultimately, I am sharing this experience with you because I hope that each person can find the strength, support and path to follow their dreams. Ten years ago, I never would have thought that this was going to be my dream job, but I'm so thankful I was able to go deep and see this opportunity for what it was and take it. If you are unhappy in your job/career/marriage/situation, staying put is never going to fix it. Making changes within the situation to improve it can make a huge difference. Knowing yourself well enough to evaluate what is making you unhappy and figuring out what to change is a never-ending process, but will serve you well in every aspect of your life!
