Fun Fun Fun

Loop is now nearly ten months old. When people tell you "they grow up too fast," "time flies," and things like "it feels like just yesterday that you were just a baby," it is easy to brush off the comments as cliché nonsense, or old fart ramblings to be categorized with statements such as, "I walked ten miles to school uphill both ways." I get it now. Time somehow accelerates the moment this tiny person enters your life. Not only does his daily growth remind you of time's constant march forward, but the constant changes taking place in your home and life compared to what was happening even just weeks before can be shocking. To try to remember what it was like before Loop was this active, chatty, laughing person is almost impossible. The new memories quickly replace those before. I am making "monthly" albums to have some pictures printed and just looking at how different he looked at two and three months old compared to now is crazy.

Loop can do all kinds of fun things now. He is such a little boy! Being with older kids in his Montessori has caused him to want to keep up with everything. He is standing and nearly walking. The new terror for me is that he thinks he can stand without holding onto anything. He cannot. Despite reminding him of this important fact, he keeps forgetting and falls down often. I understand that falling is a part of the process. He is pretty good about going backwards onto his butt when is done with standing, but when he just decides to reach for things while standing, the falls can be fairly dramatic.  The fall involving a chin hit so that he bit his tongue or cheek was the worst. There was so much blood! This is the stuff that is hard about being a mom. You want your kid to be protected and not know pain. Thankfully, no injuries have been serious, he forgets pain quickly, and the purple cries are few and far between! I'm still considering a fully padded living room, however. I think that we will have a walker before I know it!

One of Loop's very favorite games at the moment is "feed the dog." His chair at the table allows his hand to reach Thomas' mouth at the perfect height. Thomas doesn’t even need to stand up to take food from Loop's hand. The game is not Thomas stealing food, but rather, Loop just handing it to his mouth. If it is bananas, loops will eat a piece, then hand a piece to Thomas, eat a piece, hand a piece to Thomas… until the banana is gone. This game works with all foods since Thomas is a garbage disposal. I think Thomas will need to be back on a strict diet… I am so glad we have the dogs, though. Loop loves them so much and all three are really starting to pay attention to him. Thomas has always been attached to him, but now Alki gives him big kisses when we get home, and even Morrison will allow him to pet him and climb on him occasionally. I also appreciate the latest research finding that kids around dogs who go outside have fewer allergies and better health. We totally planned then when getting three dogs and installing a dog door for constant outdoor fun!

This picture is old now, but one of my very favorites. It really shows everyone's personality.

Hello Again!

I apologize for the complete lack of updates and posts. Time just keeps racing on, faster and faster. Here it is, suddenly mid-August. I have an 8 month old and am already making plans for his first birthday. I cannot believe it!

Motherhood truly is one of the most incredible experiences. To see this little person becoming himself so early and to watch as he grows and changes every day is amazing. My son is the most remarkable person I know and has had the most profound impact on my life and I've only known him 8 months! It is so much fun to see his personality emerging. He is very thoughtful and happy. He prefers to see the good in things and rarely gets angry. He is very investigative and curious. He does not fear physical harm. Friends have told me of their cautious children that are always very conscientious when it comes to physical dangers. Not my child. He will hit, pull, charge, roll and ram right into anything in his way. Sometimes he regrets those actions, but he will try again tomorrow. This makes me fear for him already! I see a dare devil emerging!  

Every day has some new excitement, whether it be a new sound he can make, or being able to do something new with his body. The last few weeks have brought the ability to "cluck" with his tongue and bring himself up to sitting. Humans are really incredible. I crack up seeing his excitement over a new skill.

I am still working full-time and, while there are struggles, it continues to work out for us. I am thankful for an understanding employer that realizes that my child will always come first. For example, today I managed to leave the bag of food for the daycare on the counter and of course did not realize it until we reached the daycare. I did not get scolded for being a half hour late. If I am having a slow day, I go hang out with Loop in the afternoon and no one questions where I have been.

Life is GOOD!

Love Him!

This kid is just too cute. I swear, every day he is more adorable than the last. I put him in these overall shorts and it just killed me!

I just love him SOOO much! Sometimes I wonder how my heart isn't bursting out of my chest!

Some People...

I have let myself get hurt by a complete stranger having a conversation that I was not a part of. I wish people would think about how what comes out of their mouths may impact a person standing 4 feet away from them that is forced to listen to it. At my gym there is an area with mirrors and counters for drying your hair and doing your make up. At any given time there are 2 to 12 people in there getting ready. It is small and you can easily hear everything everyone is saying. Two women getting ready together were having a conversation about a "friend" in med school with a baby. I add the quotes because I would hope that none of my friend would say this about me- one of the girls said, about her friend's decision to continue with med school and become a doctor, "Why even have a kid if you don't want to spend time with it." Neither woman in this conversation has children. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The comment caught me off guard and it did not hit me until I was in the car how hurtful it really was to me and all working moms. I love my son more than anything. My "choice" to go back to work was not even in the slightest bit related to my desire or a lack of desire to spend time with him. To even think that was a factor is a joke.  I want to spend time with my son. I do spend time with my son and I treasure every second. However, I spent seven years in school to become an attorney. I have student debt in an amount that rivals most mortgages. Unfortunately, I don't get to write a letter to Direct Loans and Sallie Mae that says, "Great News! I had a baby. Therefore, I will no longer be making payments, and I will look forward to a notice of forgiveness of my debts." I still have to pay them off. Also, I want to keep a roof over Loop's head, have good, healthy food for him to eat, and hopefully be able to give him the opportunities that I had in life and maybe even be able to help him get a graduate degree someday (if he wants one) so that he won't have the kind of student loans that his parents have. I can't do that if I am not working. These two women are working out at a nice gym with high fees. One of these women (I know this from attending a free training session with her last year) was able to quit her job and spend an entire year "figuring things out" while also going to this expensive gym PLUS going to a personal trainer at least twice a week. From my perspective, her economic reality is different from most people I know. So, maybe to her, staying home would be a given. Unfortunately, for me it is not. Also, I am okay with working. I will get to that later.

Later in this lovely conversation, one of the women said, "Well, maybe I will feel different when I have kids and I won't be able to stand being at home." Nope. That's not it either. I am not working because I can't stand being at home. To assume that women are working because being home is awful for them is another terrible, incorrect assumption. Right now I am part-time and I cherish my mornings with Loop. I enjoy our time together and it is wonderful. However, I do also enjoy my time at work. Going back to work helped me to realize that I am, right now, a better mother as a working mother. I go to my office, accomplish work stuff, feel good about it, and get to end my day with picking up my happy, smiling baby. I do no resent my son in any way, shape or form.  I am more appreciative of my time with Loop because of my job, and I think that I am doing a better job of making our time "quality" time and really making the most of it. I don't know that I was fully doing that when I was home full-time. I realize that this is going to get tougher once I am back to work full-time, but I still am fully confident that I will have good, quality time with my son and I will still be a good mom even though I will spend much of the day at my desk while he is at "school." He is literally two minutes away from me in a safe, clean place with skilled caregivers and other happy babies. He is getting socialized with other people and children, is getting age appropriate education, and I know that he is okay. My mom worked almost all of my childhood and I do not think that my brother and I were damaged. I know how much she loves us and I have never doubted that. My mom was always there for me, even if sometimes work interfered with scheduling. She was there emotionally all the time which, to me, is as important, if not more important than being there physically. I never felt like I came second to her job. I hope that I can balance it all just as she did, but I know from personal experience that a mom can work and love her kids.

What really is bothering me about this whole thing is that there is not one perfect solution that works for every family. Each person is different, just like every situation is different. I know people that stay home, are great moms with great kids, and they have a wonderful life. I also know people that work, are great moms with great kids, and they too have a wonderful life. There are a million different factors, scenarios and solutions. As my dad always says, different strokes for different folks. Even if these women had kids, I don't think it is ever fair to judge someone else's family choices because you can never know all of the pieces of their particular puzzle.

In conclusion, for you non-moms out there, please don't ever be confused and think that a working mom is someone that doesn't want to be around her kids. And, even if you do think that, try to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in public. You never know if there is a new working mom nearby whose day may be ruined by your judgmental comment.

Top Ten List

Here is my "Top Ten List" of being a mom. This is based on how I feel today. I may have a new list on any given day in the future.

10) Being able to use my kid as an excuse. If I am being held up by non-pressing matters at work at the end of the day, I can say, "I am sorry, but I need to go pick up my son before they start charging me $1 per minute." Works every time. No one wants to have to reimburse me for that.

9) Knowing things. I am someone that rarely has a straight answer to a question. I am always weighing pros and cons and thinking of possible alternate scenarios. This is still true for many issues relating to my son, but I also have real, solid answers to questions about my son. I know what he needs, what can help him, and how to do it. That is a pretty cool feeling.

8) Baby snuggles. Enough said.

7) Photography. Loop has renewed my love of photographs and has encouraged me to try to re-learn all of the tricks and things that I knew years ago. I am loving taking pictures, playing with my lenses and settings, and printing pictures.

6) Baby toes and baby fingers. When he is eating, Loop likes to pet you with his feet. It is such a sweet thing and I love it. I could play with his toes and fingers all day.

5) Bath time. Loop LOVES the bath and he is so sweet and calm during bath time. It is such a sweet, quiet  time for the three of us as a family.

4) No bad days. Nothing can be that bad. I can have a crummy time at the office, or a grumpy client yell at me, but at the end of it, I get to go get my son and have him smile at me. That fixes everything. I can have a fight with my husband or make some really dumb mistake that screws something up, and then I get to take a walk and show my son the beautiful sky. No day can be bad with my little guy in it.

3) Seeing how much joy Loop brings to complete strangers. Someone that does not know us can look at my son and just smile ear to ear. I never have that effect on people! He brings joy to others by just the slightest smile. I hope that he leaves a lasting glad impression on those people.

2) The love. There is so much pure love in every day in our home now. We are calmer and happier. So much love.

And the Number One Best Thing About Being a Mom is.... drum roll please...

Making my kid laugh. Seriously. The. Best. Thing. EVER. Whether I am actively trying to encourage giggling, or if he is just looking at me and laughing for no reason that I can discern, it is the greatest joy that I have ever had. Sometimes I am changing Loop's diaper and he just looks at me and cracks up. Last night, Jay and I were putting him to bed and doing our ritual reading of "Pajama Time" and he was just squealing at us. It was adorable, hilarious, and so heartwarming!

<3

What No One Tells You

I have mentally been writing this post for quite some time now, but I thought I would share my take on those things that no one tells you happen after giving birth. Yes, everyone knows you will be tired, sleep-deprived, and have a wonderful bundle of joy to love. There is, however, more to it, and I am going to share what I went through here. This is obviously not universal, but I wish someone had forewarned me about some of these items and so I am sharing here in case it could help someone else.

BE WARNED- I am not holding back and will describe things that are not for the faint of heart or stomach. This post is the definition of TMI.

1) Your body will be a mess.  Whether you deliver vaginally or have a cesarean, you will have an "injury" that needs to heal. For me, that was an episiotomy. The swelling, stitches, and bleeding were a whole new kind of horror. Having had uterine surgery, I was not as shocked by the blood as some may be. I was, however, shocked by the rest. The barrage of treatments that was provided to me should have been an indicator of what was coming, but no. The analgesic spray, episiotomy foam, Tucks pads, spray bottle and HUGE pads created a routine that left me in a slight state of shock. My husband was extremely glad that we have two bathrooms. I hated looking at and using all that stuff. He didn't need to see the pile of crap constantly too. It took a solid three weeks for me to not hurt, and 6 weeks for the bleeding to finally stop. Also, you do not have your baby and wake up the next day looking and feeling awesome. You are fat. Not cute fat like you were when you had your big baby belly, but jiggly, squishy fat that things like pants dig into to create lovely bulges. The fitted maternity tops that I wore that clung tightly to my firm baby bump now cling to my not at all firm tummy. This is not a pretty picture. I spent months being proud of my big belly and had an abrupt switch to trying anything to cover it up. This takes us to point 2...

2) Losing the baby weight is no joke. Three months after having my son, I have lost 38 of the 45 pounds that I gained while pregnant. However, the remaining fat is distributed quite differently that it was at other times when I've been at a similar weight. The gut remains despite my requests for it to find a new home. It took until 3 weeks ago for my hips to return to a a size that would allow me to wear any pre-pregnancy non-stretchy pants. This was probably the most depressing thing. I was wearing my "fat" jeans and every time I would try on another pair of pants and fail, there was a little voice in my head wondering why I am still so big. When I was pregnant and worrying over how I'd lose the weight, people would make comments like, "Oh, well if you are breastfeeding you will be super skinny in no time," or "don't worry, it will be easy if you are breastfeeding." These types of comments make it sound as though you can just have your baby, start breastfeeding, and the weight will just magically disappear. That may happen for some people. It did not for me. I was not mentally prepared for the struggle, both physically and emotionally, that would begin after having a baby.  I started walking and doing light exercise around 4 weeks after having my son and started doing some aerobics and running when he was 6 weeks old. The first few weeks were miserable. I felt so out of shape and weak. Now, at 14 weeks, I am running 3+ miles 2 to three times a week, eating healthier, lifting weights, and still breastfeeding. Yet, I am still squishy around the middle and feel big. Part of that, for sure, is the boobs- they just make me look bigger- but I was not prepared for how hard I have had to work to get to this place that is still a good distance from where I want to be. The weight certainly did not fall off, nor do I feel, in any way, skinny. I am finally feeling like I am getting there. My skin on my tummy is tightening, but I am still very self conscious and don't yet feel like myself. If you feel discouraged after having a baby- you are not alone! Keep working and be patient- it gets better.

3) Other muscles need work. I was so excited to be done with peeing every five minutes. Except I wasn't. At the beginning I was still peeing constantly and felt like I needed to pee constantly. Kegels right away are a must. My low point- peeing my pants while running on the treadmill. Thankfully, it was not a ton, and I don't think anyone knew but me. That is, however, not something I EVER want to repeat! Again- kegels are a must.

4)You will learn a new definition of tired. You expect to be sleep deprived after having a baby. No one sugar coats that. What I was not prepared for was how physically exhausted I was. It was not just from the lack of sleep, but from the trauma on my body from labor and I think the learning process of taking care of a new baby took its own toll. I didn't realize how exhausted I truly was until, after three weeks, I finally started to feel like me again. I was awake during the day, but felt like I had no energy for anything other than taking care of my son. I was so thankful to have my mom staying with us for ten days during that time, as she helped to accomplish the things that I just couldn't fathom doing- laundry, dishes, cooking. We would have survived and once I felt back to myself, I would have gotten caught up, but having her there to help made such a difference and I know Jay really appreciated it, especially since he was back to work right away. After that, there was and is still a lack of sleep, but my body seems to have accepted it and adjusted accordingly.

5) Be prepared to be embarrassed. Hopefully this doesn't happen to many new moms, but I was sort of a wreck emotionally and mentally there for awhile. The worst was the crying. I was not depressed, nor was I ever worried that maybe I was. I would just have random crying fits. I blamed the hormones. I would be on the phone having a conversation about scheduling something and would suddenly be crying. It was often when there was something complicated and I would get a rush of feeling overwhelmed and panic... and then cry. Embarrassing. Also, I never really had "baby brain" while pregnant. Instead, it hit me like a freight train for at least a month during maternity leave. I think weeks 7-10 were the worst. I screwed up doctor appointments, needed constant reminders of dumb things, and, of course when I'd mess up, I'd cry! I just had to accept that public embarrassment was something I would need to get through. I did, and thankfully, for the most part, I am embarrassing myself (and my husband) less and less.

6) Non-moms do not understand breastfeeding/pumping. I don't expect people to be experts or really to understand much, but they should realize that it is a real thing and, yes, women do still breastfeed. And, yes, sometimes it takes place in public. There are times where there really isn't another option. You can't tell your newborn to "wait until we get home"  or "you aren't really hungry." I always use a cover, and it has never been a big deal, but I have definitely been given looks. Also, pumping is something that, when you are trying to avoid breastfeeding in public and use a bottle, must be done at some point. It's embarrassing enough to have to go sit (or in my case stand) in a bathroom stall pumping for 10-15 minutes while people knock on the stall door and probably wonder what that mechanical sounds is coming from the stall. I don't need people judging me. So, be prepared to feel weird about it. You will figure it out and it will be fine. Bottom line- your kid will need to eat and you will make it happen one way or another.

I'm sure I will think of ten more things once I post this, but for now, there is a really long post for you about the joys of new motherhood. Maybe the next post will be about all of the really great things since this is pretty negative.

A Quick Note

For any of you who are still checking this and wondering if I've died, I have not. I have just been loving on this little baby as much as possible before I have to go back to work (in just over a week!). I write little posts in my head all day long, but I never sit at the computer long enough during the day to get my thoughts typed out.

I can wholeheartedly say that being a mother is the greatest, most enjoyable, incredible and rewarding experience of my entire life. I have never felt so much joy or love. To think it has been just over ten weeks since I became a mom to my little guy is shocking because it feels like there was nothing before. I realize that this is ridiculously mushy, a total cliche, and maybe something that people are sick of hearing, but it is truly how I feel. Loving this tiny human so much has changed me. Also, I feel more confident as a person. I know that if what I am doing is best for my son, then it is what is right.

To be clear, every moment isn't easy, and we are not perfect people or parents.  However, I know how to keep my son happy and healthy so far and that is what matters right now. The little sacrifices here and there are worth it. In addition, I am blessed with an incredible husband that does so much to make our lives better. I cannot imagine trying to do this on my own, and I do not know how single moms do this. We also have the calmest, sweetest, wonderful little boy that makes it easy. He is a good eater, a good sleeper, and easy to please. If he is crying, it is for a purpose, and the problem can usually be fixed very quickly. We are in the very small percentage of new parents that are getting sleep in one long stretch. My son takes after his father and sleeps like a champ. His current schedule is that he goes to sleep around 10:30 or 11 and wakes up around 6:30 or 7. It is unbelievable and there were several nights early on when I awoke in a panic convinced that something must be wrong, as he had not woken up. Thankfully, that was never the case. The boy just loves his sleep. Here's hoping he keeps it up!

That is all for now. I will hopefully return to more regular posting once I'm back at work and have some slow times at my computer.