Some People...

I have let myself get hurt by a complete stranger having a conversation that I was not a part of. I wish people would think about how what comes out of their mouths may impact a person standing 4 feet away from them that is forced to listen to it. At my gym there is an area with mirrors and counters for drying your hair and doing your make up. At any given time there are 2 to 12 people in there getting ready. It is small and you can easily hear everything everyone is saying. Two women getting ready together were having a conversation about a "friend" in med school with a baby. I add the quotes because I would hope that none of my friend would say this about me- one of the girls said, about her friend's decision to continue with med school and become a doctor, "Why even have a kid if you don't want to spend time with it." Neither woman in this conversation has children. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The comment caught me off guard and it did not hit me until I was in the car how hurtful it really was to me and all working moms. I love my son more than anything. My "choice" to go back to work was not even in the slightest bit related to my desire or a lack of desire to spend time with him. To even think that was a factor is a joke.  I want to spend time with my son. I do spend time with my son and I treasure every second. However, I spent seven years in school to become an attorney. I have student debt in an amount that rivals most mortgages. Unfortunately, I don't get to write a letter to Direct Loans and Sallie Mae that says, "Great News! I had a baby. Therefore, I will no longer be making payments, and I will look forward to a notice of forgiveness of my debts." I still have to pay them off. Also, I want to keep a roof over Loop's head, have good, healthy food for him to eat, and hopefully be able to give him the opportunities that I had in life and maybe even be able to help him get a graduate degree someday (if he wants one) so that he won't have the kind of student loans that his parents have. I can't do that if I am not working. These two women are working out at a nice gym with high fees. One of these women (I know this from attending a free training session with her last year) was able to quit her job and spend an entire year "figuring things out" while also going to this expensive gym PLUS going to a personal trainer at least twice a week. From my perspective, her economic reality is different from most people I know. So, maybe to her, staying home would be a given. Unfortunately, for me it is not. Also, I am okay with working. I will get to that later.

Later in this lovely conversation, one of the women said, "Well, maybe I will feel different when I have kids and I won't be able to stand being at home." Nope. That's not it either. I am not working because I can't stand being at home. To assume that women are working because being home is awful for them is another terrible, incorrect assumption. Right now I am part-time and I cherish my mornings with Loop. I enjoy our time together and it is wonderful. However, I do also enjoy my time at work. Going back to work helped me to realize that I am, right now, a better mother as a working mother. I go to my office, accomplish work stuff, feel good about it, and get to end my day with picking up my happy, smiling baby. I do no resent my son in any way, shape or form.  I am more appreciative of my time with Loop because of my job, and I think that I am doing a better job of making our time "quality" time and really making the most of it. I don't know that I was fully doing that when I was home full-time. I realize that this is going to get tougher once I am back to work full-time, but I still am fully confident that I will have good, quality time with my son and I will still be a good mom even though I will spend much of the day at my desk while he is at "school." He is literally two minutes away from me in a safe, clean place with skilled caregivers and other happy babies. He is getting socialized with other people and children, is getting age appropriate education, and I know that he is okay. My mom worked almost all of my childhood and I do not think that my brother and I were damaged. I know how much she loves us and I have never doubted that. My mom was always there for me, even if sometimes work interfered with scheduling. She was there emotionally all the time which, to me, is as important, if not more important than being there physically. I never felt like I came second to her job. I hope that I can balance it all just as she did, but I know from personal experience that a mom can work and love her kids.

What really is bothering me about this whole thing is that there is not one perfect solution that works for every family. Each person is different, just like every situation is different. I know people that stay home, are great moms with great kids, and they have a wonderful life. I also know people that work, are great moms with great kids, and they too have a wonderful life. There are a million different factors, scenarios and solutions. As my dad always says, different strokes for different folks. Even if these women had kids, I don't think it is ever fair to judge someone else's family choices because you can never know all of the pieces of their particular puzzle.

In conclusion, for you non-moms out there, please don't ever be confused and think that a working mom is someone that doesn't want to be around her kids. And, even if you do think that, try to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in public. You never know if there is a new working mom nearby whose day may be ruined by your judgmental comment.